Overcoming a Pornography Addiction

The following comes from a brother in the ward who has struggled with a pornography addiction.  He recounts his story and how it has damaged his relationship with his spouse. He also offers some advice to those who are struggling as he is. I appreciate his willingness to share his experiences for the benefit of other ward members. 

Though he does not reveal his name you should know that the challenge of pornography addiction is not uncommon and his feelings are very much in line with what other men have shared with me. I appreciate his desire to share his story in hopes of preventing another man from making the choices he has made. 

Shortly you will read about a longing to go back and make different choices. You will read about the regret of missed opportunities. Finally you will read about a man whose heart is broken as he comes to grips with the damage he has caused to his marriage. I know, because I am working with this couple, that they are well on their way to restoring hope and healing the damage that has been caused. I have full confidence that their marriage will last, it will grow, and they will do great things in the community, the church, and with their children. I hope you find this account uplifting, encouraging and if you too struggle with an addiction as proof that you can overcome too. 

"I never meant for life to be this way. If I would have known to what extent pornography would destroy my life, I like to believe that I would have ran as far and as fast away from it as possible. But I didn’t, and now what my life could have been is gone.

When I first saw a pornographic image I was about nine or ten years old. I was at a friend’s house who was a few years older than me and we use to spend a lot of time together. One day he told me that the wanted to show me something on the internet he found. It was pornography. At first I was disgusted, I knew instantly that there was something wrong about what I was seeing but for some reason, despite all inclinations otherwise, I kept looking. That first time I felt a sense of euphoria that I had never felt before, it was as if something had taken control of my brain and made me feel like I was on a cloud. I was hooked, but I didn’t know it. I started seeking it out at home when my parents and siblings weren’t home. I remember running home from school in order to get there before everyone else arrived and then indulging in whatever pornography I could find with a click of a mouse. This went on everyday for years. I can scarcely remember a day in my youth that I did not view pornography. I was very careful about covering my tracks, I came to understand all of the intricacies of a search engine, search history’s, cookies, temporary internet files even router configurations. I knew exactly how to make it so that if anyone ever logged in to the computer, they would never have any idea that I was viewing pornography. I remember one time when I must have visited a site that installed a virus on our home computer. My Mom logged in one day only to find some pornographic pop-ups all over the screen. She was horrified and quite shaken, I still remember to this day her tears as she described to me how awful it was to have seen those images. My Mom hesitantly asked me if I had seen any of that. I passionately responded that I had never ever seen pornography, that it was one of my friends who must have used me to view pornography on our computer.  I told my Mom that I would find out who it was and have him confess so that it could all get cleared up. I framed one of my friends because I couldn’t face telling my Mom it was me. I was never allowed to see that friend ever again, I don’t think to this day he understands why our friendship fell apart. After that incidence I was a lot more careful, I think I even considered stopping to look at pornography because I saw how much it hurt my Mom. It didn’t matter though, I was hooked, it was the only thing that got me through hard teenage years and I couldn’t stop.

When I was 14 years old my addictive behavior was still rampant. My parents never suspected anything, I was a straight A student, was always on the honor roll, was in the school band, was playing club soccer and basketball but more than anything, I was spent hours upon hours playing video games. My parents were somewhat grateful, they would always say that they would rather have me at home playing video games then out with my friends drinking and doing drugs. I rationalized that my pornography addiction was much better than my friends that were drinking and doing drugs, at least, I would say to myself, at least I’m not hurting anyone else. How wrong and foolish I was to think that I was only hurting myself. That same year I found myself getting in to a new video game called World of Warcraft. The premise of this game is to have players build up a virtual character in a virtual world. This game for me as a chubby, nerdy teenage boy was like a whole new drug to sink my time into. I began to play this game for easily over 8 hours a day, sometimes even up to 12. My pornography addiction began to become more and more intense. My days would consist of playing World of Warcraft and at any time that I found myself frustrated I would turn to pornography for instant relief. I found myself losing interest in school, sports and especially the church. Yet I paid careful attention to keeping up my appearances. Leaders at church thought that I was a shining example to the rest of the young men, I was known for being the kid who would deliver “powerful” talks and was near perfect. I was the success story of the ward: the part member family kid who was living the Gospel the way it should always be lived. But more than all, I was a great liar. I knew exactly what to say and how to say it, I almost had a sick sense of pleasure in being able to persuade people to think like I did, or at least to think that I had it all together. As I think about that young man I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach. Truly, I was past feeling, I was so very lost.

I was 17 when my addiction took a turn for the worse when my Dad insisted that I have a computer in my room. I was elated at the prospect because that meant that I could distance myself away from everyone around me even more. It meant that I wouldn’t have to look over my shoulder when I was destroying my mind with porn. It also meant that I could play my video games as much as I wanted. I was a senior in high school by that time. I had long shaggy curls, acne, would always overeat and therefore was significantly overweight and wore the same baggy shorts or jeans with a t-shirt almost every day. I was always at odds with all of my family, I never had anything nice to say. I was angry almost all the time, any little thing could set me off. I would have screaming matches with my Mom and Dad quite often. One time it even came to blows with my Dad. I would swat my sisters if they ever bothered me. I hated the world around me and I think more than anything I had a profound hate… for me. Senior year I had a crush on a girl who didn’t love me back. I saw that she liked guys who drank and smoked and partied on the weekends. One night at one of my friends houses I saw that his parents had alcohol in the pantry. I was depressed that this girl had seemingly denied my existence. Because of this and my lack of self-esteem, I began to drink. It opened up a whole new world of “adventures” for me, all my friends were drinking and I found myself accepted by a new group of friends that I felt truly understood who I was. I never drank for the sake of drinking, I drank to get drunk… completely drunk. The drinking then led to drugs, specifically marijuana. More often then not they were used in conjuction. I remember spending these days in a substance filled daze. My parents, the entire time, had no idea what was going on. Just like pornography, I was very very good at covering my tracks. During these times I decided that I would apply to BYU because it seemed like the easiest school to get into. I lied my way through all of the worthiness interviews and cheated my way through seminary. I had elected to do “home-study” and all I did was do passable work for a teacher who was more bent on getting me to BYU then trying to be strict with me on seminary. I failed to become an Eagle Scout because I lost all interest for scouting, this has been one of my greatest regrets and failures.

The day I got into BYU I was elated, at the same time I was informed that once I was accepted to BYU, as long as I passed my required classes in high school, nothing would alter my acceptance. I took this bit of information as a free pass to literally do nothing in school. I took the easiest classes, and spent only the time that was necessary to pass with a C-. All I lived for was World of Warcraft, drinking, drugs and my full blown pornography addiction. During these times it was not uncommon to be indulging in pornography at least 3 to 5 times a day.  My activity in the church during those days was the bare minimum. I never attended activities and did the very least that I could all the while maintaining appearances for the rich and well connected families in my ward. In my mind, life was good.

One night, as my friend dropped me off after a heavy day of partying, I felt a crippling sense of hopelessness. It was about 6 months after I had started this new party life of mine that this happened. I remember, in my drunk and drugged daze, making my way to our local park and breaking down crying on a hillside. I lied there on the grass looking up at the stars and wondering what had become of my life, wondering what I stood for, wondering if God even knew what I was doing. I thought of all the times I told myself that I would never drink, I would never do drugs. I remember trying to pray but nothing came out. I remember falling asleep and forgetting all about it.

In this new life I also committed some terrible sexual sins. It seemed to be part of the process. I found myself to be attractive to some girls at these parties that I went to. I took advantage of these situations and did things all in the name of “fun.” I never had feelings for any of these girls, it was carnal, and we both knew it. There were no expectations, no relationships, there was no caring, no love. Pornography had in large part dictated my carnal desires for these girls. It brought me to do things that were abominable. Yet for some reason, despite all of this I remained a virgin. Or at least, I remained what would be considered a virgin to the world. I was by no means pure in the sight of God.

I remember having my last drink of alcohol, my last cigarette and my last joint before going off to BYU. I remember laughing with my friends saying that maybe this was a good thing, that I needed to be a sober Mormon for a bit that maybe that would straighten me out. For some reason the thought of being sober comforted me, but it was quickly replaced my a hopelessness that that could never be.

When I arrived at BYU I saw thousands of young men and woman who looked healthy and happy. They looked so clean and pure at first I didn’t know quite what to make of it. There I was, an overweight addict stepping in to an environment full of confident young people that seemed to have their heads on straight. I remember that my first reaction to this new environment was that of anger, I dismissed all of these people as being “orthodox crazy Mormons,” I immediately labeled them as judgmental and self-righteous. I took care to stay away from as many people as I could and there in my dorm room when my roommate was out, I would continue to indulge in pornography. I tried to seek out the same crowds that I had known back in my senior year of high school. I found very little people like that. I was already depressed but I found myself sinking in even more acute depression.

Then life took an interesting turn, I was called as Elder’s Quorum President of my ward. Of course, I had lied my way through all of the interviews when I arrived to BYU but I had made sure to infer that I was not fit for any calling or position. I was called as EQP and an overwhelming sense of guilt crept up in me. I was not about to blow my cover so I went through the motions of doing everything I could to keep up appearances. Nonetheless, I hated the fact that I was given this responsibility, I tried to pray about things but it seemed that nothing ever worked. I felt that I was even more lost than I could possible imagine. One night I was at a dance party with a crowd that was a bit rougher than the average BYU student. I remember telling some people all about the things I’d done in an attempt to be accepted and viewed as cool guy. Then, my first counselor in my Elder’s Quorum Presidency, who I had chosen most likely because I could relate to him, called me out in front of everyone at the party. He called me a hypocrite for being the EQP and then telling the world about my riotous life. He called me a liar. I was furious when he said that, we were on the verge of fighting and then something deep inside me told me to walk away, not only to walk away but to run away. That’s what I did. I ran, then got tired and walked. It started to rain and I was freezing. Yet, my walk back was a turning point for me. As I walked back alone in the dark freezing rain my hopelessness and depression seemed to well up inside me and burst. I was tired of living my life of lies, I was tired of drinking, smoking and pornography, I was tired of lying to my friends and family, I was tired of hating myself and I was tired of not knowing who God was. I was crushed, I was broken. I rushed back to my dorm room and grabbed my Book of Mormon and ran to the BYU bell tower. There I read and prayed with what seemed to be all my heart. I read and prayed and asked God to stop the rain. I asked God to show me a sign that he was there. The rain didn’t stop.

For the next month I read the Book of Mormon and prayed with a new determination that I didn’t even know existed. I cried a lot, I seemed broken. In my mind, I wondered if God could ever forgive such a rotten case such as me. I didn’t have much hope that he could, but I was bent on trying.

One night, alone in my dorm room I had read the Book of Mormon and was getting on my knees to pray. That night, something felt different. I felt truly sorry for all the things that I had done. My heart was utterly shattered, and I turned to God for answers. The experience that I had is too sacred to share on paper. It is the moment that has defined my life. It is the turning point of my life. I received the most powerful witness of my life that God was indeed there for me, I felt that Jesus Christ was indeed the Son of God, I felt that the Book of Mormon was true, and more than anything… I felt forgiven.

At that time I had no desire to ever commit sin again. I rejoiced in God, I rejoiced in the scriptures. It seemed that for the first time in my life I was truly reading the word of God. I applied it to my life. I had never been happier in my entire life. My prayers were real, I felt God near. Pornography was disgusting to me and I stayed away from it completely. Yet, I felt a constant need to talk to my Bishop but I never did. Only two or three months after this life changing experience I felt back into pornography. I had never been so devastated in my life because for the first time I knew with perfect clarity that what I had done was devastatingly wrong. I had disappointed God, and the hurt that this caused was so great. I fell back into the all consuming cycle of pornography. I rationalize that God would forgive me again. I rationalized that no one had to know. And that is how I left on my mission.

I was at the MTC for only one month and the guilt of everything I had done consumed me. I spoke to my priesthood leaders at the MTC and was sent home. I had done what was right, I confessed my sins. Now was my time to forsake them. Though this experience was the most difficult in my entire life I look back and see that I grew more from this than anything else. I wanted to make things right and I did everything I possibly could to make it right. I worked hard. I prayed hard. And I went back out.

My mission was without question the most incredible two years of my life. I was free from sin, completely devoted to the Lord’s work and more than anything, I was truly happy. I love my mission. I love all the people I served. I felt clean and worthy for the first time in my life, I felt guided by the Spirit. I felt whole.
When I returned from my mission I was committed to living the truths that I had come to know so profoundly. I was only back for maybe a month and I viewed pornography. Again, I felt back into a vicious cycle. When I returned to BYU, a fresh return missionary with a pornography addiction, I don’t think I had ever felt so depressed in my life. I hated myself and what I was doing more than ever, but this time around I decided to do something about it right away. I spoke to priesthood leaders and I did all that I could to curb this addiction. I saw progress but it didn’t last for long. I dated but I never had any hope in ever marrying anyone, what kind of girl would ever want to marry a porn addict like me?

A year passed by and I met a girl that I fell madly in love with. The feeling was mutual and we began to date quite steadily. Because of my pornography addiction I pushed her into doing things that were not meant to be expressed before marriage. I feel responsible for some terrible sins that I caused us to commit. My pornography addiction continued but she thought it was in the past. I told her that it was my present and it devastated her more than anything I had ever said or done. I told her it would never happen again. It did. It devastated her even further. Because of a variety of bad reasons we decided not to confess our sexual transgression and instead got married in the temple unworthily. What was supposed to be a happy occasion was one of great remorse and guilt for us.

Just a few months after we were married I fell back into pornography. My wife turns to hurting herself to numb the pain she is feeling. She doesn’t trust me, she is afraid of me constantly, she cries herself to sleep often. She thinks she is ugly and dismisses anything I say to tell her that she’s beautiful. If you knew her you would know that’s so far from the truth, she is the most gorgeous girl in the world. But because of my pornography addiction, she feels ugly and worthless.

We now have confessed our sins and are working with a bishop to get salvage what’s left of our marriage and our lives. Pornography has almost ruined our marriage and our lives. Despite all this I know to my very core that pornography will no longer be a part of our lives. I know this because the Lord lives and His Atonement is real. I know this because I love my wife too much to see her go. I know this because I am doing everything possible to not put myself in a situation to be tempted and succumb to those temptations. Everything changes here and now. No more will pornography destroy the beauties of life around me. The Atonement of Jesus Christ has overcome all of this, I either tap into this great power or watch everything I love crumble around me. The choice is ours to make and no the way isn’t easy but it was never meant to be easy. I know God’s love can overcome this, I know that one day my wife will trust me again. I know that we can be happy together one day.

It was never meant to be this way, but there is always a better brighter way. I am choosing that way, and with God’s help, and sweet forgiveness that way will be here to stay. I will never have to write another chapter about pornography again. The chapters of our lives will be filled with happiness, it will be filled with everything that God has intended for us.

Learn from my experience. Please do something about your pornography problem right now. Don’t let it come to this. The Lord will bless you in your trials, let him lift you up."

LDS Women Are Incredible

LDS Women Are Incredible!
BY ELDER QUENTIN L. COOK
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Much of what we accomplish in the Church is due to the selfless service of women.
Author and historian Wallace Stegner wrote about the Mormon migration and gathering to the Salt Lake Valley. He did not accept our faith and in many ways was critical; nevertheless, he was impressed with the devotion and heroism of our early Church members, especially the women. He stated, “Their women were incredible.”1 I echo that sentiment today. Our Latter-day Saint women are incredible!

God placed within women divine qualities of strength, virtue, love, and the willingness to sacrifice to raise future generations of His spirit children.

A recent United States study asserts that women of all faiths “believe more fervently in God” and attend more religious services than men do. “By virtually every measure they are more religious.”2

I was not surprised by this result, particularly as I reflected on the preeminent role of families and women in our faith. Our doctrine is clear: Women are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves them. Wives are equal to their husbands. Marriage requires a full partnership where wives and husbands work side by side to meet the needs of the family.3

We know there are many challenges for women, including those striving to live the gospel.

Heritage of Pioneer Sisters
A predominant attribute in the lives of our pioneer ancestors is the faith of the sisters. Women by divine nature have the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings. In light of this, the faith of the sisters in being willing to leave their homes to cross the plains for the unknown was inspiring. If one had to characterize their most significant attribute, it would be their unwavering faith in the restored gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ.

The heroic accounts of what these pioneer women sacrificed and accomplished as they crossed the plains is a priceless legacy to the Church. I am moved by the account of Elizabeth Jackson, whose husband Aaron died after the last crossing of the Platte River with the Martin handcart company. She wrote:

“I will not attempt to describe my feelings at finding myself thus left a widow with three children, under such excruciating circumstances. … I believe … that my sufferings for the Gospel’s sake will be sanctified unto me for my good. …

“I [appealed] to the Lord, … He who had promised to be a husband to the widow, and a father to the fatherless. I appealed to him and he came to my aid.”4

Elizabeth said she was writing the history on behalf of those who passed through like scenes with the hope that posterity would be willing to suffer and sacrifice all things for the kingdom of God.5

Women in the Church Today Are Strong and Valiant
I believe the women of the Church today meet that challenge and are every bit as strong and faithful. The priesthood leadership of this Church at all levels gratefully acknowledges the service, sacrifice, commitment, and contribution of the sisters.

Much of what we accomplish in the Church is due to the selfless service of women. Whether in the Church or in the home, it is a beautiful thing to see the priesthood and the Relief Society work in perfect harmony. Such a relationship is like a well-tuned orchestra, and the resulting symphony inspires all of us.

When I was recently assigned to a conference in the Mission Viejo California Stake, I was touched by an account of their four-stake New Year’s Eve youth dance. Following the dance, a purse was found with no outside identification. I share with you part of what Sister Monica Sedgwick, the Young Women president in the Laguna Niguel stake, recorded: “We didn’t want to pry; this was someone’s personal stuff! So we gingerly opened it and grabbed the first thing that was on top—hopefully, it would identify her. It did, but in another way—it was a For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. Wow! This told us something about her. Then we reached in for the next item, a little notebook. Surely this would give us answers, but not the kind we were expecting. The first page was a list of favorite scriptures. There were five more pages of carefully written scriptures and personal notes.”

The sisters immediately wanted to meet this stalwart young woman. They returned to that purse to identify its owner. They pulled out some breath mints, soap, lotion, and a brush. I loved their comments: “Oh, good things come out of her mouth; she has clean and soft hands; and she takes care of herself.”

They eagerly awaited the next treasure. Out came a clever little homemade coin purse made from a cardboard juice carton, and there was some money in a zippered pocket. They exclaimed, “Ahh, she’s creative and prepared!” They felt like little children on Christmas morning. What they pulled out next surprised them even more: a recipe for Black Forest chocolate cake and a note to make the cake for a friend’s birthday. They almost screamed, “She’s a HOMEMAKER! Thoughtful and service minded.” Then, yes, finally some identification. The youth leaders said they felt greatly blessed “to observe the quiet example of a young lady living the gospel.”6

This account illustrates the commitment of our young women to Church standards.7 It is also an example of caring, interested, dedicated Young Women leaders all over the world. They are incredible!

Sisters have key roles in the Church, in family life, and as individuals that are essential in Heavenly Father’s plan. Many of these responsibilities do not provide economic compensation but do provide satisfaction and are eternally significant. Recently a delightful and very capable woman on a newspaper editorial board asked for a description of the role of women in the Church. It was explained that all of the leaders in our congregations are unpaid. She interrupted to say her interest had diminished significantly. She said, “I don’t believe women need any more unpaid jobs.”

We pointed out that the most important organization on earth is the family, where “fathers and mothers are … equal partners.”8 Neither one is financially compensated, but the blessings are beyond description. We of course told her about the Relief Society, Young Women, and Primary organizations that are guided by women presidents. We noted that from our earliest history both men and women pray, perform the music, give the sermons, and sing in the choir, even in sacrament meeting, our most sacred meeting.

The recent highly acclaimed book American Grace reported on women in many faiths. It noted that Latter-day Saint women are unique in being overwhelmingly satisfied with their role in Church leadership.9 Furthermore, Latter-day Saints as a whole, men and women, have the strongest attachment to their faith of any of the religions studied.10

Our women are not incredible because they have managed to avoid the difficulties of life—quite the opposite. They are incredible because of the way they face the trials of life. Despite the challenges and tests life has to offer—from marriage or lack of marriage, children’s choices, poor health, lack of opportunities, and many other problems—they remain remarkably strong and immovable and true to the faith. Our sisters throughout the Church consistently “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.”11

One Relief Society president who acknowledged this extraordinary service said, “Even when the sisters serve, they are thinking, ‘If only I could have done more!’” Though they are not perfect and all face individual struggles, their faith in a loving Father in Heaven and the assurance of the atoning sacrifice of the Savior permeates their lives.

Role of Sisters in the Church
During the last three years, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve have sought guidance, inspiration, and revelation as we have counseled with priesthood and auxiliary leaders and worked on the new Church handbooks. In this process I have experienced feelings of overwhelming appreciation for the essential role that sisters, both married and single, have historically played and now play both in the family and in the Church.

All members of the Church of Jesus Christ are “to labor in his vineyard for the salvation of the souls of men.”12 “[The] work of salvation includes member missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, … teaching the gospel,”13 and caring for the poor and needy.14 This is administered primarily through the ward council.15

Specifically, it is intended in the new handbooks that bishops, sensitive to existing demands, will delegate more responsibilities. Members need to recognize that the bishop has been instructed to delegate. Members need to sustain and support him as he follows this counsel. This will allow the bishop to spend more time with the youth, young single adults, and his own family. He will delegate other important responsibilities to priesthood leaders, presidents of auxiliaries, and individual men and women. In the Church the role of women in the home is highly respected.16 When the mother receives a Church calling that requires significant time, the father will often be given a less-demanding calling in order to maintain balance in the lives of the family.

Several years ago I attended a stake conference in Tonga. Sunday morning the three front rows of the chapel were filled with men between 26 and 35 years of age. I assumed they were a men’s choir. But when the business of the conference was conducted, each of these men, 63 in total, stood up as their names were read and were sustained for ordination to the Melchizedek Priesthood. I was both pleased and stunned.

After the session I asked President Mateaki, the stake president, how this miracle had been accomplished. He told me that in a stake council meeting reactivation was being discussed. His stake Relief Society president, Sister Leinata Va’enuku, asked if it would be appropriate for her to say something. As she spoke, the Spirit confirmed to the president that what she was suggesting was true. She explained that there were large numbers of wonderful young men in their late 20s and 30s in their stake who had not served missions. She said many of them knew they had disappointed bishops and priesthood leaders who had strongly encouraged them to serve a mission, and they now felt like second-class members of the Church. She pointed out that these young men were beyond missionary age. She expressed her love and concern for them. She explained that all of the saving ordinances were still available to them and the focus should be on priesthood ordinations and the ordinances of the temple. She noted that while some of these young men were still single, the majority of them had married wonderful women—some active, some inactive, and some not members.

After thorough discussion in the stake council, it was decided that the men of the priesthood and the women of the Relief Society would reach out to rescue these men and their wives, while the bishops spent more of their time with the young men and young women in the wards. Those involved in the rescue focused primarily on preparing them for the priesthood, eternal marriage, and the saving ordinances of the temple. During the next two years, almost all of the 63 men who had been sustained to the Melchizedek Priesthood at the conference I attended were endowed in the temple and had their spouses sealed to them. This account is but one example of how critical our sisters are in the work of salvation in our wards and stakes and how they facilitate revelation, especially in family and Church councils.17

Role of Sisters in the Family
We recognize that there are enormous forces arrayed against women and families. Recent studies find there is deterioration in devotion to marriage, with a decrease in the number of adults being married.18 For some, marriage and family are becoming “a menu choice rather than the central organizing principle of our society.”19 Women are confronted with many options and need to prayerfully consider the choices they make and how those choices affect the family.

When I was in New Zealand last year, I read in an Auckland newspaper of women, not of our faith, struggling with these issues. One mother said she realized that in her case, her choice about whether to work or stay home was about a new carpet and a second car that she didn’t really need. Another woman, however, felt “the biggest enemy of a happy family life was not paid work—it was television.” She said that families are TV rich and family-time poor.20

These are very emotional, personal decisions, but there are two principles that we should always keep in mind. First, no woman should ever feel the need to apologize or feel that her contribution is less significant because she is devoting her primary efforts to raising and nurturing children. Nothing could be more significant in our Father in Heaven’s plan. Second, we should all be careful not to be judgmental or assume that sisters are less valiant if the decision is made to work outside the home. We rarely understand or fully appreciate people’s circumstances. Husbands and wives should prayerfully counsel together, understanding they are accountable to God for their decisions.

You devoted sisters who are single parents for whatever reason, our hearts reach out to you with appreciation. Prophets have made it clear “that many hands stand ready to help you. The Lord is not unmindful of you. Neither is His Church.”21 I would hope that Latter-day Saints would be at the forefront in creating an environment in the workplace that is more receptive and accommodating to both women and men in their responsibilities as parents.

You valiant and faithful single sisters, please know that we love and appreciate you, and we assure you that no eternal blessing will be withheld from you.

The remarkable pioneer woman Emily H. Woodmansee penned the text of the hymn “As Sisters in Zion.” She correctly asserts that the “errand of angels is given to women.”22 This has been described as “nothing less than to do the direct and immediate bidding of our Father in Heaven, and ‘this is a gift that … sisters … claim.’”23

Dear sisters, we love and admire you. We appreciate your service in the Lord’s kingdom. You are incredible! I express particular appreciation for the women in my life. I testify of the reality of the Atonement, the divinity of the Savior, and the Restoration of His Church, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


Notes

  1. Wallace Stegner, The Gathering of Zion: The Story of the Mormon Trail (1971), 13.
  2. Robert D. Putnam and David E. Campbell, American Grace: How Religion Divides and Unites Us (2010), 233.
  3. See Handbook 2: Administering the Church (2010), 1.3.1; see also Moses 5:1, 4, 12, 27.
  4. In Andrew D. Olsen, The Price We Paid: The Extraordinary Story of the Willie and Martin Handcart Pioneers (2006), 445.
  5. See “Leaves from the Life of Elizabeth Horrocks Jackson Kingsford,” Utah State Historical Society, Manuscript A 719; in “Remembering the Rescue,” Ensign, Aug. 1997, 47.
  6. Combined and shortened from an e-mail written by Monica Sedgwick, stake Young Women president of the Laguna Niguel California Stake, and a talk given by Leslie Mortensen, stake Young Women president of the Mission Viejo California Stake.
  7. In an article titled “Why Do We Let Them Dress Like That?” (Wall Street Journal, Mar. 19–20, 2011, C3), a thoughtful Jewish mother advocates for dress standards and modesty and acknowledges the example of Mormon women.
  8. “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona and Ensign, Nov. 2010, 129.
  9. See Putnam and Campbell, American Grace, 244–45.
  10. See Putnam and Campbell, American Grace, 504.
  11. Doctrine and Covenants 81:5; see also Mosiah 4:26.
  12. Doctrine and Covenants 138:56.
  13. Handbook 2: Administering the Church (2010), page 22.
  14. See Handbook 2, 6.1.
  15. See Handbook 2, 4.5.
  16. See Emily Matchar, “Why I Can’t Stop Reading Mormon Housewife Blogs,” salon.com/life/feature/2011/01/15/feminist_obsessed_with_mormon_blogs. This self-described feminist and atheist acknowledges this respect and says she is addicted to reading Mormon housewife blogs.
  17. From conversations with Nuku’alofa Tonga Ha’akame Stake president Lehonitai Mateaki (who subsequently served as president of the Papua New Guinea Port Moresby Mission) and stake Relief Society president Leinata Va’enuku.
  18. See D’Vera Cohn and Richard Fry, “Women, Men, and the New Economics of Marriage,” Pew Research Center, Social and Demographic Trends, pewsocialtrends.org. The number of children being born has also decreased significantly in many countries. This has been called the demographic winter.
  19. “A Troubling Marriage Trend,” Deseret News, Nov. 22, 2010, A14, quoting a report on msnbc.com.
  20. See Simon Collins, “Put Family before Moneymaking Is Message from Festival,” New Zealand Herald, Feb. 1, 2010, A2.
  21. Gordon B. Hinckley, “Women of the Church,” Ensign, Nov. 1996, 69; see also Spencer W. Kimball, “Our Sisters in the Church,” Ensign, Nov. 1979, 48–49.
  22. “As Sisters in Zion,” Hymns, no. 309.
  23. Karen Lynn Davidson, Our Latter-Day Hymns: The Stories and the Messages, rev. ed. (2009), 338–39.

FIRST PRESIDENCY MESSAGE

Fathers, Mothers, Marriage

By President James E. Faust

Second Counselor in the First Presidency

In recent times, society has been plagued with a cancer from which few families have escaped. I speak of the disintegration of our homes. Immediate corrective treatment is urgent. In what I have to say, I do not wish to offend anyone. I affirm my profound belief that God’s greatest creation is womanhood. I also believe that there is no greater good in all the world than motherhood. The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation. Single parents, most of whom are mothers, perform an especially heroic service.

I hasten to acknowledge that there are too many husbands and fathers who are abusive to their wives and children and from whom the wives and children need protection. Yet modern sociological studies powerfully reaffirm the essential influence of a caring father in the life of a child—boy or girl. In the past 20 years, as homes and families have struggled to stay intact, sociological studies have revealed this alarming fact: much of the crime and many of the behavioral disorders in the United States come from homes where the father has abandoned the children. In many societies, child poverty, crime, drug abuse, and family decay can be traced to conditions where the father gives no male nurturing. Sociologically, it is now painfully apparent that fathers are not optional family baggage.

Fathers need to do the best they can to be the primary provider for physical and spiritual support. I state this with no reluctance because the Lord has revealed that this obligation is placed upon husbands. “Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance, until their husbands are taken.” ¹ Further, “all children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age.” ² In addition, their spiritual welfare should be “brought to pass by the faith and covenant of their fathers.” ³ As regards little children, the Lord has promised “that great things may be required at the hand of their fathers.” ⁴

Complementary Roles

It is useless to debate which parent is most important. No one would doubt that a mother’s influence is paramount with newborns and in the first years of a child’s life. The father’s influence increases as the child grows older. However, each parent is necessary at various times in a child’s development. Both fathers and mothers do many intrinsically different things for their children. Both are equipped to nurture children, but their approaches are different. Mothers seem to take a dominant role in preparing children to live within their families, present and future. Fathers seem best equipped to prepare children to function in the environment outside the family.

One authority states: “Studies show that fathers also have a special role to play in building a child’s [self-respect]. They are important too, in ways we don’t really understand, in developing internal limits and control in children.” He continues: “Research also shows that fathers are critical in the establishment of gender in children. Interestingly, fatherly involvement produces stronger sexual identity and character in both boys and girls. It’s well established that the masculinity of sons and the femininity of daughters are each greater when fathers are active in family life.” ⁵

Parents in any marital situation have a duty to set aside personal differences and encourage each other’s righteous influence in the lives of their children.

Is it not possible to give to womankind all of the rights and blessings that come from God and legal authority without diminishing the nobility of God’s other grand creation, manhood? A reflection on this theme stated in 1872:

“The status of women is one of the questions of the day. Socially and politically it forces itself upon the attention of the world. Some … refuse to concede that woman is entitled to the enjoyment of any rights other than … the whims, fancies or justice … men may choose to grant her. The reasons which they cannot meet with argument they decry and ridicule; an old refuge for those opposed to correct principles which they are unable to controvert. Others … not only recognize that woman’s status should be improved, but are so radical in their extreme theories that they would set her in antagonism to man, assume for her a separate and opposing existence; and to show how entirely independent she should be [they] would make her adopt the more reprehensible phases of character which men present, and which should be shunned or improved by them instead of being copied by women. These are two extremes, and between them is the ‘golden mean.’” ⁶

Use of the Priesthood

Many people do not understand our belief that God has wisely established a guiding authority for the most important institutions in the world. This guiding authority is called the priesthood. The priesthood is held in trust to be used to bless all of God’s children. Priesthood is not gender; it is blessings from God for all at the hands of the servants He has designated. Within the Church this authority of the priesthood can bless all members through the ministration of home teachers, quorum presidents, bishops and branch presidents, fathers, and all other righteous brethren who are charged with the administration of the affairs of the kingdom of God. Priesthood is the righteous power and influence by which boys are taught in their youth and throughout their lives to honor chastity, to be honest and industrious, and to develop respect for and stand in the defense of womanhood. Priesthood is a restraining influence. Girls are taught that through its influence and power to bless, they can fulfill many of their desires.

Honoring the priesthood means following the example of Christ and seeking to emulate His example of fatherhood. It means constant concern and caring for one’s own flesh and blood. The man who holds the priesthood is to honor it by eternally cherishing, with absolute fidelity, his wife and the mother of his children. He is to extend lifelong care and concern for his children and their children. The plea of David for his rebel son is one of the most moving in all of the scriptures: “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!” ⁷

I urge husbands and fathers of this Church to be the kind of men your wives would not want to be without. I urge the sisters of this Church to be patient, loving, and understanding with their husbands. Those who enter into marriage should be fully prepared to establish their marriage as the first priority in their lives.

It is destructive to the feeling essential for a happy marriage for either party to say to the other marriage partner, “I don’t need you.” This is particularly so because the counsel of the Savior was and is to become one flesh: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh[.] Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh.” ⁸

Being of One Heart

It is far more difficult to be of one heart and mind than to be physically one. This unity of heart and mind is manifest in sincere expressions of “I appreciate you” and “I am proud of you.” Such domestic harmony results from forgiving and forgetting, essential elements of a maturing marriage relationship. Someone has said that we “should keep [our] eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.” ⁹ True charity ought to begin in marriage, for it is a relationship that must be rebuilt every day.

I wonder if it is possible for one marriage partner to jettison the other and become completely whole. Either partner who diminishes the divine role of the other in the presence of the children demeans the budding femininity within the daughters and the emerging manhood of the sons. I suppose there are always some honest differences between husband and wife, but let them be settled in private.

It must be recognized that some marriages fail. To those in that circumstance I extend understanding because every divorce carries heartache with it. But at all costs couples should avoid covenant breaking. In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant. The family relationship of father, mother, and child is the oldest and most enduring institution in the world. It has survived vast differences of geography and culture. This is because marriage between man and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, meant to be eternal relationships, then become the most sacred covenants we can make. The sealing power given by God through Elijah is thus invoked, and God becomes a party to the promises.

Over a lifetime of dealing with human problems, I have struggled to understand what might be considered “just cause” for breaking of covenants. I confess I do not claim the wisdom nor authority to definitely state what is “just cause.” Only the parties to the marriage can determine this. They must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored. In my opinion, “just cause” should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship which is destructive of a person’s dignity as a human being.

At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage. Surely it is not simply “mental distress” nor “personality differences” nor “having grown apart” nor “having fallen out of love.” This is especially so where there are children. Enduring divine counsel comes from Paul:

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” ¹⁰

“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, [and] to love their children.” ¹¹

The Most Effective Cure

In my opinion, members of the Church have the most effective cure for our decaying family life. It is for men, women, and children to honor and respect the divine roles of both fathers and mothers in the home. In so doing, mutual respect and appreciation among the members of the Church will be fostered by the righteousness found there. In this way, the great sealing keys restored by Elijah, spoken of by Malachi, might operate “to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse.” ¹²

President Joseph Fielding Smith (1876–1972) stated concerning the keys of Elijah: “This sealing power bestowed upon Elijah, is the power which binds husbands and wives, and children to parents for time and eternity. It is the binding power existing in every Gospel ordinance. … It was the mission of Elijah to come, and restore it so that the curse of confusion and disorder would not exist in the kingdom of God.” ¹³ Confusion and disorder are all too common in society, but they must not be permitted to destroy our homes.

Perhaps we regard the power bestowed by Elijah as something associated only with formal ordinances performed in sacred places. But these ordinances become dynamic and productive of good only as they reveal themselves in our daily lives. Malachi said that the power of Elijah would turn the hearts of the fathers and the children to each other. ¹⁴ The heart is the center of the emotions and a conduit for revelation. This sealing power thus reveals itself in family relationships, in attributes and virtues developed in a nurturing environment, and in loving service. These are the cords that bind families together, and the priesthood advances their development. In imperceptible but real ways, “the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul [and thy home] as the dews from heaven.” ¹⁵

I testify that the blessings of the priesthood, honored by fathers and husbands and revered by wives and children, can indeed cure the cancer that plagues our society. I plead with you fathers to magnify your priesthood calling; bless your families through this sacred influence, and experience the rewards promised by our Father and God.

Notes

1.   1. 
   D&C 83:2.
2.   2. 
   D&C 83:4.
3.   3. 
   D&C 84:99.
4.   4. 
   D&C 29:48.
5.   5. 
   Karl Zinsmeister, “Fathers: Who Needs Them?” (address delivered to the Family Research Council, 19 June 1992).
6.   6. 
   “Woman’s Status,” Woman’s Exponent, 15 July 1872, 29.
7.   7. 
   2 Sam. 18:33.
8.   8. 
   Matt. 19:5–6.
9.   9. 
   Magdeleine Scudéry, in John P. Bradley and others, comps., The International Dictionary of Thoughts (1969), 472.
10.   10. 
    Eph. 5:25.
11.   11. 
    Titus 2:4.
12.   12. 
    D&C 110:15; see also Mal. 4:6.
13.   13. 
    Elijah the Prophet and His Mission (1957), 5.
14.   14. 
    See Mal. 4:5–6.
15.   15. 
    D&C 121:45.

Making the Marriage Decision

How faith helped these young adults overcome fear and make the choice to marry.

For many young adults, making the marriage decision is straightforward and simple. For others, it’s not so easy. As children of what has been called the “divorce revolution,” today’s young adults have seen the consequences of failed marriages. Current social trends toward delaying and even avoiding marriage further complicate the matter. Some young adults become overly concerned with finding the right person, waiting for the perfect timing, or feeling fully prepared to commit for eternity. In fact, a recent study of Latter-day Saints in the United States showed that one-third of young adults ages 21 to 25 have some concerns or reservations about their readiness for marriage. ¹

Despite these challenges, Church leaders have affirmed the command to marry and have assured young adults that eternal marriage is not only possible but also desirable. While serving as a member of the Seventy, Elder Earl C. Tingey said at a Church Educational System (CES) fireside for young adults, “For some, [marriage and family] would appear impossible to obtain. But please have faith, and join that faith with works. The Lord is aware of you as individuals and of your particular circumstances. He will bless you. He will assist you in bringing to pass that which is right and which you righteously desire. Please have faith.” ²

Here, young adults tell of the fears and setbacks they faced in making the marriage decision—and the faith they found to carry them through.

Trusting the Lord to Be My Guide

For me, getting a confirmation about my marriage was like filling a glass. Because I knew that dating and marriage were things to pray about, I pictured myself getting a “full glass” of an answer the first time I prayed. But I became confused when I went on a few dates with Karen and couldn’t figure out where to go from there. I liked her personality, but I didn’t know about her testimony or anything else. I was afraid of the relationship ending with broken hearts or anger. However, I realized I would know what to do only by spending time with her. I figured that in the end it would be a learning experience for both of us—whatever that end would be.

We eventually decided to date exclusively, but neither of us knew exactly what we wanted from the relationship and we broke up a few times because we weren’t on the same page. She had strong desires to serve a mission, and I strongly wanted to be sure of whom I should date and marry. Plus, we were both afraid of making a mistake in choosing when and whom to marry.

As I sought priesthood blessings and counsel from priesthood leaders and continued to pray, the glass continued to fill. I learned more about Karen and me—what we could work through together, what our personal weaknesses and strengths were and how they affected us, what our fears were and how we would deal with them, and how to communicate with each other. We both saw from experience that we worked well together and complemented each other. We learned of each other’s faith, testimony, opinions, and quirks. As I prayed and as my glass filled, I felt added courage to keep dating her to see what would happen. I didn’t know “for sure,” but my faith that things would work between us increased.

Over time, I realized that I truly loved Karen and wanted to spend eternity with her. When she met my family and I saw how she fit in, my glass was full. It took me a year to get to that point, but when I did, the doubt dispersed and I could see clearly. I knew I should marry her and I knew that I knew.

I’ve wondered what would have happened had I not had the faith to let the Lord guide me through my relationship with Karen. I’m glad I had the courage to move forward, even in uncertainty. Because we learned so much in our dating and during our engagement, our adjustment to marriage has been smooth, and we are extremely happy.

Tyler Heasley, California, USA

Choosing to Take My Own Path

For many of my teenage years and into my first years of college, my parents struggled significantly in their marriage. Their relationship deteriorated so much that when I left on my mission, I wasn’t sure they would still be married when I returned.

My parents did stay married and worked through their struggles, and I came home to find them closer to each other than I had ever seen them before. However, my grandparents, who had been married for more than 50 years, got divorced while I was on my mission. That devastated me, not only because they’d been together for so long, but also because they had “done it right”—they had been sealed in the temple and remained active in the Church.

My exposure to these situations left me wondering if it was all worth it and if I could expect to have a happy, successful marriage. Even when I began dating the young man I would eventually marry—someone I had known for years and whose family I adored—I still felt unsettled.

Over time I felt good about our growing relationship. The man I was dating was kind, thoughtful, and considerate, not just with me, but also with others. He was faithful in his Church callings, and, since we were both returned missionaries, we would often attend the temple together, all of which helped me to feel peace and gain confidence that he was a worthy choice. Still, when he started talking about getting married, I wasn’t sure.

I wish I could say that when I knelt down and prayed about it, peace and clarity came right away. They didn’t. It took weeks and even months. It was frustrating for my boyfriend, who did not have the same fears that I did. He already felt peace about our relationship and wanted to move forward. I am grateful that he waited patiently for my witness to come.

When it did come, it wasn’t huge or overwhelming, but I’ll never forget it. It was sweet and personal and very peaceful. It didn’t mean that my other doubts or concerns vanished, because they didn’t. In fact, I think the closer we got to marriage and realized what a big decision we were making, the more worries popped up! But those feelings of peace fed my faith, and I was able to move forward. Marriage is hard at times, but because of the confirmation I worked and waited for, I never doubt the decision I made to marry my husband.

Name Withheld

Reaping the Rewards of Faith

I was almost done with my undergraduate education before I really believed marriage was for me. Before then, I didn’t have a testimony of the doctrine of marriage and I felt no real need to date or seek a marriage partner. There were even a few times when I tried to commit to a life of solitude, but lessons from the scriptures and encouragement from my family were enough to nudge me into the dating scene.

Eventually a testimony—vibrant and undeniable—came, and I was faced with a straightforward decision: I could accept eternal marriage along with all of the other gospel principles I knew to be true, or I could reject eternal marriage and knowingly rebel against Heavenly Father’s plan. In my mind I could clearly see the consequences of choosing to stay single and of choosing to marry. This understanding—a gift from the Holy Ghost—made it easy to choose the better path, to look for dates rather than for escapes, and to be obedient to the testimony I had received.

My decision to marry would have meant little if I had not actively worked toward securing the blessing. Knowing that the girl of my dreams would most likely not show up on my doorstep, I committed myself to doing what would result in a proper, happy temple marriage. I prayed, fasted, attended the temple, and exercised faith that I would find the young woman I wanted to marry. I made practical adjustments as well: I knew the best way to meet people was to socialize, so I made time for both formal dates and social activities. When I started dating Keisy, I had to start planning for two people in my schedule and not just one. I had to find things for us to do so we could get to know each other better.

Even after I had gained a testimony of eternal marriage, my desire to be married was still small. But as Keisy and I dated and the strength of our relationship increased, my desire for temple marriage increased too. It continued to grow after the proposal, the engagement pictures, the family parties, and each subsequent act that prepared us for our new life together. By the time we were seated in the temple waiting for the sealer to arrive, my desire to be sealed had grown from a seed of faith into “a tree springing up unto everlasting life” (Alma 32:41).

My testimony of marriage has increased since our temple sealing; I have learned more fully the doctrine of marriage and family by doing His will (see John 7:17).

Jordan Pendergrass, Arizona, USA

Looking Ahead—Not Back

When I met the man who would become my husband, we had both recently returned from missions. He immediately impressed me; he was active in the Church, treated me like gold, and had a kind spirit. Friendship turned into love, and in what seemed like no time at all, we were talking about getting married. It was a whirlwind of excitement.

But then one day he told me about his past. With regret he explained to me that he had never graduated from high school. He also told me he hadn’t always been active in the Church.

I looked at the man I loved and couldn’t picture the person he was describing. I tried not to let this new information bother me, but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind. Would he always be a hard worker? Would he be able to provide for our family? What if he became less active in the Church again? I felt that these concerns were valid, but I didn’t have answers to any of them.

Although I could not see what the future would hold if I were to marry this man, I could trust Heavenly Father to guide me in my decision. Over the course of several months, I prayed fervently and attended the temple regularly in seeking direction. The turning point came slowly as I realized that my boyfriend had many traits that were vital for me in a husband. He had a strong testimony of the gospel. He held a current temple recommend. He treated me with tremendous respect. And he loved me very much.

There could be no way of knowing how things he had experienced (or things I had experienced, for that matter) would affect our future together, but I needed to look at where he was now and where he was going, not just at where he had been. Furthermore, I could trust Heavenly Father to help us as we followed Him. The answer I received may not be the one that everyone receives, but I know that as we go to Him in faith, Heavenly Father will guide each of us.

My husband and I have been married four years now. He has a great job, and we have meaningful opportunities to serve in our ward. We have discovered that when you have someone who is on your side and who loves you despite your weaknesses, you want to become better. Neither of us is perfect, but in doing what is right and staying close to the Lord, we have found great happiness.

Name Withheld

Choosing Love

During the two years I dated my husband, Jon, I prayed often about marrying him, but I never got an awe-inspiring answer that so many others seemed to talk about. I had heard so many of those stories that I was afraid marrying Jon wasn’t right unless I had a miraculous confirmation experience too.

I was also weighing a decision about serving a mission. I proceeded with the process of putting in my papers and met with my bishop. He asked about my relationship with Jon. The bishop suggested that if I was OK with Jon marrying another girl, then I should move forward with serving a mission. If I was not OK with his being with someone else, then maybe I should reconsider.

I spent a lot of time thinking about that counsel. I knew I loved Jon, but I didn’t want to give up other good opportunities. As I was praying over the matter one day, I received the distinct impression through a feeling: “It’s your choice.” As unromantic as it may sound, that answer was exactly what I needed. Of course it had always been my choice, but this prompting reminded me that I didn’t need to wait for earth-shattering, divine intervention to tell me to marry Jon; I knew we were compatible, I knew I loved him, and I knew marrying him would be a good thing. All that was left was for me to make the choice.

“If it’s my choice,” I thought, “then I choose him.” It was hard to give up the opportunity of a mission, but from that moment on, I was committed, and we started planning for marriage.

I still had occasional doubts and fears, but because I had made the choice to marry Jon, I also had made the choice to help things work out. (Imagine that—having to work at a relationship!) Choosing to work at our relationship has made all the difference because as I have done so, I have felt closer to and more in love with my husband.

Marriage isn’t always easy—most worthwhile things have difficult moments. But when I come to those moments, I remember what I felt when I received that simple but powerful answer to my prayer: we choose our companions and then go to work to make those relationships meaningful throughout our lives.

Marie Cottle, Utah, USA

Relying on Faith, Not Fear

My relationship with Nathan had progressed—rather quickly—as far as any of my previous dating relationships had, but the others had ended with painful breakups. Because that had been my only experience with dating, I assumed my relationship with Nathan would end the same way. Besides, he had just accepted a job more than 2,000 miles away. I was a first-year law student and wasn’t sure that transferring was feasible—let alone desirable.

One night I realized how much fear was holding me back. I remembered something I had heard a few months before in Sunday School. The teacher had reminded us that the Savior can heal all hurts—even the ones that happen in dating. I decided that Nathan had come into my life for a reason and I needed to let that reason play out, whatever the outcome turned out to be. If I did end up getting hurt, I could have faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ to get me through it.

Just a few days later, Nathan proposed—and I accepted. But almost as soon as we started making plans for our life together, fear set in again. What if I didn’t complete my degree? What would it be like living so far away from family and friends? Marrying Nathan would bring many major changes to my life plans and add a lot of unknowns to the future.

Again, I received a feeling of assurance. After attending the temple, I was reading my scriptures and contemplating my decision to marry Nathan when I came across this sentence in Moroni 8:16: “Perfect love casteth out all fear.”

It struck me that the love of two righteous people moving toward the Savior could cast out the fear of all the world’s unknowns. This experience gave me the peace I needed to move forward with the decision to marry Nathan and the courage to make changes to my educational and career path. I know that the love Nathan and I have is not perfect, but through Jesus Christ, it can be made so.

Julianne Taylor Zollinger, Virginia, USA

Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

“I am not saying you shouldn’t be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. … Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. ‘Cast not away therefore your confidence.’ Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.”

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” Brigham Young University devotional address, March 2, 1999.

For me, getting a confirmation about my marriage was like filling a glass.

When my witness did come, it wasn’t huge or overwhelming, but I’ll never forget it. It was sweet and personal and very peaceful.

My desire to be sealed had grown from a seed of faith into “a tree springing up unto everlasting life.”

I needed to look at where he was now and where he was going, not just at where he had been. I could trust Heavenly Father to help us as we followed Him.

“If it’s my choice,” I thought, “then I choose him.”

I was contemplating my decision to marry Nathan when I came across this sentence in Moroni 8:16: “Perfect love casteth out all fear.”

Notes

1.   1. 
   Jason S. Carroll, Project READY, Brigham Young University, 2009. For national statistics, see Jason S. Carroll, et al., “Ready or Not? Criteria for Marriage Readiness among Emerging Adults,” Journal of Adolescent Research, 24, 2009, 366–67.
2.   2. 
   Earl C. Tingey, “The Simple Truths from Heaven—the Lord’s Pattern,” CES Fireside for Young Adults, Jan. 13, 2008.