Oneness in Marriage

By President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985)

Adapted from a devotional address given at Brigham Young University on 7 September 1976. The full text is published in a Deseret Book Company book, Marriage and Divorce.

Honorable, happy, and successful marriage is surely the principal goal of every normal person. Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations.

In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage there must be a union of minds as well as of hearts. Emotions must not wholly determine decisions, but the mind and the heart, strengthened by fasting and prayer and serious consideration, will give one a maximum chance of marital happiness. It brings with it sacrifice, sharing, and a demand for great selflessness.

Many of the TV screen shows and stories of fiction end with marriage: “They lived happily ever after.” We have come to realize that the mere performance of a ceremony does not bring happiness and a successful marriage. Happiness does not come by pressing a button, as does the electric light; happiness is a state of mind and comes from within. It must be earned. It cannot be purchased with money; it cannot be taken for nothing.

Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury, and constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing, and selflessness.

Two people coming from different backgrounds learn soon after the ceremony is performed that stark reality must be faced. There is no longer a life of fantasy or of make-believe; we must come out of the clouds and put our feet firmly on the earth. Responsibility must be assumed and new duties must be accepted. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many adjustments, unselfish adjustments, must be made.

One comes to realize very soon after marriage that the spouse has weaknesses not previously revealed or discovered. The virtues which were constantly magnified during courtship now grow relatively smaller, and the weaknesses which seemed so small and insignificant during courtship now grow to sizable proportions. The hour has come for understanding hearts, for self-appraisal, and for good common sense, reasoning, and planning. The habits of years now show themselves; the spouse may be stingy or prodigal, lazy or industrious, devout or irreligious; he may be kind and cooperative or petulant and cross, demanding or giving, egotistical or self-effacing. The in-law problem comes closer into focus, and the relationship of the spouse to them is again magnified.

Worldly Pressures

Often there is an unwillingness to settle down and to assume the heavy responsibilities that immediately are there. Economy is reluctant to replace lavish living, and the young people seem often too eager “to keep up with the Joneses.” There is often an unwillingness to make the financial adjustments necessary. Young wives are often demanding that all the luxuries formerly enjoyed in the prosperous homes of their successful fathers be continued in their own homes. Some of them are quite willing to help earn that lavish living by continuing employment after marriage. They consequently leave the home, where their duty lies, to pursue professional or business pursuits, thus establishing an economy that becomes stabilized so that it becomes very difficult to yield toward the normal family life. Through both spouses’ working, competition rather than cooperation enters the family. Two weary workers return home with taut nerves, individual pride, increased independence, and then misunderstandings arise. Little frictions pyramid into monumental ones.

While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. “Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.

There is a never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage; but like all formulas, the principal ingredients must not be left out, reduced, or limited. The selection before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.

In a marriage commenced and based upon reasonable standards as already mentioned, there are not combinations of power which can destroy it except the power within either or both of the spouses themselves; and they must assume the responsibility generally. Other people and agencies may influence for good or bad. Financial, social, political, and other situations may seem to have a bearing; but the marriage depends first and always on the two spouses who can always make their marriage successful and happy if they are determined, unselfish, and righteous.

The formula is simple; the ingredients are few, though there are many amplifications of each.

First, there must be the proper approach toward marriage, which contemplates the selection of a spouse who reaches as nearly as possible the pinnacle of perfection in all the matters which are of importance to the individuals. And then those two parties must come to the altar in the temple realizing that they must work hard toward this successful joint living.

Second, there must be a great unselfishness, forgetting self and directing all of the family life and all pertaining thereunto to the good of the family, subjugating self.

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, there must be a complete living of the commandments of the Lord as defined in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur. Divorce attorneys would need to transfer to other fields and divorce courts would be padlocked.

Sharing and Sacrificing

Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage is not a legal coverall, but it means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.

Before marriage, each individual is quite free to go and come as he pleases, to organize and plan his life as it seems best, to make all decisions with self as the central point. Sweethearts should realize before they take the vows that each must accept literally and fully that the good of the little new family must always be superior to the good of either spouse. Each party must eliminate the “I” and the “my” and substitute therefore “we” and “our.” Every decision must take into consideration that there are two or more affected by it. As she approaches major decisions now, the wife will be concerned as to the effect they will have upon the parents, the children, the home, and their spiritual lives. The husband’s choice of occupation, his social life, his friends, his every interest must now be considered in the light that he is only a part of a family, that the totalness of the group must be considered.

A marriage may not always be even and incidentless, but it can be one of great peace. A couple may have poverty, illness, disappointment, failures, and even death in the family, but even these will not rob them of their peace. The marriage can be a successful one so long as selfishness does not enter in. Troubles and problems will draw parents together into unbreakable unions if there is total unselfishness there. During the depression of the 1930s there was a definite drop in divorce. Poverty, failures, disappointment—they tied parents together. Adversity can cement relationships which prosperity can destroy.

The marriage that is based upon selfishness is almost certain to fail. The one who marries for wealth or the one who marries for prestige or social plane is certain to be disappointed. The one who marries to satisfy vanity and pride or who marries to spite or to show up another person is fooling only himself. But the one who marries to give happiness as well as receive it, to give service as well as to receive it, and who looks after the interests of the two and then the family as it comes will have a good chance that the marriage will be a happy one.

The Need for Nourishment

Love is like a flower, and, like the body, it needs constant feeding. The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness.

Total unselfishness is sure to accomplish another factor in successful marriage. If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions. Many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy. Certainly the foods most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and interdependence.

To be really happy in marriage, one must have a continued faithful observance of the commandments of the Lord. No one, single or married, was ever sublimely happy unless he was righteous. There are temporary satisfactions and camouflaged situations for the moment, but permanent, total happiness can come only through cleanliness and worthiness. One who has a pattern of religious life with deep religious convictions can never be happy in an inactive life. The conscience will continue to afflict, unless it has been seared, in which case the marriage is already in jeopardy. A stinging conscience can make life most unbearable. Inactivity is destructive to marriage, especially where the parties are inactive in varying degrees.

Religious differences are the most trying and among the most unsolvable of all differences.

Marriage is ordained of God. It is not merely a social custom. Without proper and successful marriage, one will never be exalted. Read the words of your Lord, that it is right and proper to be married.

That being true, the thoughtful and intelligent Latter-day Saint will plan his life carefully to be sure there are no impediments placed in the way. By making one serious mistake, one may place in the way obstacles which may never be removed and which may block the way to eternal life and godhood—our ultimate destiny. If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each other more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have this great happiness. When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste—mentally and physically—so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the upbuilding of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle.

Cleave to “None Else”

Sometimes in marriage there are other cleavings, in spite of the fact that the Lord said, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22).

This means just as completely that “thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shall cleave unto him and none else.” Frequently, people continue to cleave unto their mothers and their fathers and their chums. Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children, and husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the wife in most things, and all intimacies should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others.

Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side. The home may be very modest and unpretentious, but still it is an independent domicile. Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have received the counsel from those who should give it. To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together:

“Wherefore, it is lawful that … they twain shall be one flesh, and all this that the earth might answer the end of its creation;

“And that it might be filled with the measure of man, according to his creation before the world was made” (D&C 49:16–17).

Brothers and sisters, may I say this is the word of the Lord. It is very, very serious, and there is nobody who should argue with the Lord. He made the earth; He made the people. He knows the conditions. He set the program, and we are not intelligent enough or smart enough to be able to argue Him out of these important things. He knows what is right and true.

We ask you to think of these things. Be sure that your marriage is right. Be sure that your life is right. Be sure that your part of the marriage is carried forward properly.

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

BY ELDER WILLIAM R. BRADFORD

Of the First Quorum of the Seventy

Remarks delivered at a BYU Devotional Assembly, 27 October 1981

Selfishness vs. Selflessness

Throughout my life I have studied the scriptures and have sought spiritual guidance regarding our Eternal Father’s plan. I have developed a mental picture which I would like to share with you.

If the veil that covers our remembrance were somehow lifted, we would see ourselves in that glorious assembly where our Eternal Father presented to us the plan of salvation and exaltation. It must have been a most interesting time, and there probably were some anxious moments of intense emotion, anticipation, pondering, and discussion. Father was about his work, teaching us how to exercise our agency by unfolding truth to our understanding.

As these truths unfolded, there must have been many concerns on our part—questions about the creation of the earth; our leaving Father’s presence; our need for physical bodies; the veil; living by faith; symbolic ordinances; death and resurrection; conditions upon which our return to Father were based.

There must have been anxiety when we learned of the need to leave our Father and come to this earth through a veil of forgetfulness. We must have known that there would be opposition, choices to make, the possibility of mistakes and failure. If we forgot all, how would we know the right thing to do or how to do it?

It must have been a great comfort as Father made covenants with us to send one member of the Godhead to be a guide and companion—one with delegated power to communicate the truths of the plan to us, that by the power of spiritual communication we could make correct decisions and grow and mature after the nature of our Father, who is a God. We know this great counselor as the Holy Ghost.

A pattern began to unfold as the Father taught us. It must have been obvious that there would be many things that we could not do for ourselves.

We would not be able to provide for ourselves the physical bodies we would need to become like Father. And once given bodies, we would not have power during our infancy to sustain ourselves. Some would need to serve us by being our parents. It would not be possible for us to create, nor control after its creation, the world upon which we were to be placed. This world would have a delicate environment—its relationship to the sun, the need for rain and fertile soil to sustain life, the governing laws of gravity and electricity, the elements and their reaction with each other would all have to be assured for us. And since we would have no real power over these things, someone would have to control them for us.

We also learned that our physical bodies would be temporary and subject to weakness, disease, and finally death. If we were to return to Father with bodies like his, someone would have to do something for us to reunite our spirit and physical bodies after the pattern in which God our Father created us.

There were some other serious needs. It was clear to us that because of the influence of opposition we would make mistakes. Since Father taught us that these mistakes constituted sin, and that no sinful thing could return to his presence, we were faced with a dilemma. There would have to be a way to overcome these mistakes. Someone would have to intercede for our sins—a Redeemer. Who would it be?

A sense of calm and peace must have then come to us as the Father made covenants to give us a Redeemer who would have power to do all things for us that we could not do for ourselves. He would sustain the world in the laws by which it was to be governed. He would take upon himself our sins and die for us that we might live eternally. He would govern the truths taught us, that we might walk in light.

Opposed to that plan was Satan, who came before the Father and issued the most selfish of all statements ever spoken in the heavens: “Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor.” (Moses 4:1.)

Then the most selfless of all service in the heavens or upon earth was offered as Christ, the “Beloved Son, which was … Beloved and Chosen from the beginning,” came before Father and said, “Thy will be done, and the glory be thine forever.” (Moses 4:2.)

By holy covenant between Father and his children, Jesus Christ was sent to serve us in all things—to do all things for us that we cannot do for ourselves.

The laws and covenants were clear to us. They required that we come to this earth to work through the natural processes of growth and maturing that will take us back to Father. We are to work through this process. The work is one of serving and being served. The pattern is clear.

Our eternal destiny is welded to our service to others. At the very foundation of our existence is interdependence upon one another. Happiness can be obtained only by establishing the proffer balance between serving and being served. We are social beings; we cannot live in happiness if we attempt to live alone. Self-imposed celibacy and isolationism are extreme expressions of selfishness and an unwillingness to serve or be served.

A mother serves by giving birth to a child and continues her service throughout the child’s life. For life to continue, the process must repeat itself. When one is serving, another is being served. Faith, love of God and fellowman, patriotism, and self-esteem all depend on how we practice serving and being served.

Perhaps this principle is best defined as selflessness—the giving of oneself both in serving others and in being served by others.

In infancy and childhood we are predominantly served. Our parents provide us with food, clothing, shelter, and they nourish our spirits with love and companionship. But the very act of acceptance is a returning of the gift to the giver. Parents find joy and comfort in the progress of the child—a joy which falters only when their service is rejected through disobedience. Their selflessness becomes its own reward and encourages them to keep giving of themselves despite the setbacks.

If the relationship we have built as children with our parents has had the proper balance of selflessness, we will have developed kinship ties that no physical separation can ever break. And when the time comes to seek for ourselves expanded experiences and companionships, we will maintain joy in the beautiful companionship with our parents that has been created.

Very often, as young adults move away from the home environment, they suffer a tremendous emotional shock. Suddenly the balance of service and being served is drastically altered. Friendships are new and unproven, and old relationships seem distant. We call this homesickness. It is a period of adjustment and growth, when parent-child relationships undergo a transformation and we become involved in teacher-student or employer-employee relationships. As these peer relationships are added to our kindred relationships, the need to understand the principles of selflessness becomes increasingly important.

In order to understand selflessness we must also understand its opposite, selfishness. Selfishness is closing the door on service to others, and refusing to allow others to serve us in love. At the same time, we attempt to serve ourselves or wrongly exact service from others.

In its simplest form, selfishness is the holding to one’s self that which he has power to righteously share. The greed or lust or wrongful intent soon creates men whose “hearts are not satisfied,” and who “obey not the truth, but have pleasure in unrighteousness.” These are they who “will not give [their] substance to the poor. … whose spirits are not contrite, and whose bellies are not satisfied, and whose hands are not stayed from laying hold upon other men’s goods, whose eyes are full of greediness, and who will not labor with [their] own hands!” (D&C 56:15–17.)

That which a man serves himself upon the platter of selfishness and greed may appease his mortal appetite, but it will leave him spiritually starved and malnourished.

There is no happiness in selfishness; it is a sin. Its product is misery and loneliness, and it alienates companions and develops enmity in human relationships.

Selfishness and greed, put into the heart of Cain by Satan, caused our first parents, Adam and Eve, to mourn before the Lord for him and his brethren. It was Cain’s selfishness that caused him to bind himself up to Satan and, to get gain, murder his brother Abel. Selfishness debased the children of Israel as they drank and played and corrupted themselves around the idol of the golden calf. And only selfishness could have induced Judas to betray the holy, selfless Lord.

Selfishness is the basic substance—the raw material, if you will—of almost all other sins that Satan has introduced upon the earth. Under his skillful management, this sin manifests itself in such a myriad of ways that virtually no one escapes its influence. Its magnetic tentacles stretch out and draw to itself every indulgence that can block the path to exaltation.

Greed, envy, covetousness, lust, rebellion, thievery, idleness, lying, hypocrisy, backsliding, immorality, infidelity, pride, arrogance, gluttony, and most other evils are the products of a selfish life. If we place sin in the sunlight, it will cast the shadow of selfishness.

As a thought precedes an act, so does selfishness precede sin. Immorality of every kind is founded in selfishness. Why else would a person commit an immoral act, if not to satisfy his own pleasure?

Selfishness breeds corruption as men scheme and bribe and take unfair advantage to satisfy their wants and obsessions. It becomes pride as men forsake things of eternal value, even marriage, family, and God, for supposed high position and fame.

Consider how many are unfaithful to one another—and to God—as they selfishly squander their lives and means on the evaporative pleasures of what the world holds out as fashionable.

Satan’s subtle use of selfishness causes parents to justify idling away countless hours before a television set, absorbing violence, sensuality, vulgarity, and the foolishness of the world, while their children (who are usually allowed to view the same things) are starving for affection and attention. Can such selfishness be condoned, or are they bringing condemnation upon themselves by not using this time to teach their children “the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands … to pray, and to walk uprightly before the Lord” (D&C 68:25, 28)?

Selfishness draws men into a spiritual vacuum where, absorbed in self service, they shut out all others.

Selfish idleness, with its “I’ll-do-it-later” attitude, keeps righteous work from being done. Since Satan has decreed to do all possible to stop righteous endeavor upon the earth, what better way than to cause men to procrastinate? Within the Church this is manifest in a failure to faithfully comply with callings. Home teaching goes unattended; tithes and offerings go unpaid. There is neglect in keeping personal histories, compiling family records, and doing temple work. There is an unwillingness to give service in the missionary effort. How it must please Satan to so influence those who could be the builders of God’s kingdom!

Of all influences that cause men to choose wrong, selfishness is undoubtedly the strongest. Where there is selfishness, the Spirit of the Lord is absent. Talents go unshared, the needs of the poor unfulfilled, the weak unstrengthened, the ignorant untaught, and the lost unrecovered.

Viewed in its true sense, selfishness is the absence of empathy and compassion. It is the abandonment of brotherhood, the rejection of, God’s plan, the isolation of ones soul. Just as selflessness can carry us to exaltation and eternal lives, so can selfishness lead us to destruction and eternal damnation.

Life too often seems a competition with others. We compete for companionship, for recognition, for possessions, for status, for money. And as we size one another up, we too often forget that our sanctification depends in part on our service to others.

We may be like the man who, came running to Jesus, asking, “What must I do to be saved?” Jesus explained to him the commandments he must live, and the man assured him that he had done all these things from his youth. Then the Savior told him he lacked but one thing. “Sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me.

“And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions.” (Mark 10:17–22.)

Or are we like the widow who cast her two mites into the treasury? Jesus, seeing her, said to his disciples, “This poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury:

“For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.” (Mark 12:43–44.)

If we would be truly happy, our acts must be acts of selflessness, turning sadness into joy, radiating kindness, and dispelling hypocrisy. Selflessness fosters love, confidence, and trust.


Indeed, those men and women who righteously share themselves, their talents, and their means in benevolent service to God and humankind, are blessed with freedom, growth, nearness to Divinity, and worthiness to have the companionship of the Spirit.

By selflessness we demonstrate our true relationship with the Savior. It is the one great virtue that binds together the family of God.