FIRST PRESIDENCY MESSAGE

The Marriage That Endures

By President Gordon B. Hinckley

Photograph by Jed A. Clark

As an introduction may I tell of two experiences. The first happened many years ago when I was at the new Washington D.C. Temple. A number of reporters were present on that occasion. They were curious concerning this beautiful building, different from other church buildings—different in concept, different in purpose, different concerning those who will be permitted within its sacred precincts.

I explained that, after the building is dedicated as the house of the Lord, only members of the Church in good standing will be authorized to enter, but that prior to its dedication, for a period of from a month to six weeks, visitors will be made welcome to tour the entire structure; that we are not disposed to hide it from the world, but that following the dedication, we shall regard it as being of so sacred a nature that purity of life and strict adherence to standards of the Church become qualifications for admittance.

We talked of the purposes for which temples are built. I explained those purposes, particularly emphasizing that purpose which appeals to all thoughtful men and women, namely, marriage for eternity. As I did so, I reflected on an experience at the time of the prededication showing of the London England Temple in 1958.

A Young Couple in England

On that occasion thousands of curious but earnest people stood in long lines to gain entry to the building. A policeman stationed to direct traffic observed that it was the first time he had ever seen the English eager to get into a church.

Those who inspected the building were asked to defer any questions until they had completed the tour. In the evenings I joined the missionaries in talking with those who had questions. As a young couple came down the front steps of the temple, I inquired whether I could help them in any way. The young woman spoke up and said, “Yes. What about this ‘marriage for eternity’ to which reference was made in one of the rooms?” We sat on a bench under the ancient oak that stood near the gate. The wedding band on her finger indicated that they were married, and the manner in which she gripped her husband’s hand evidenced their affection one for another.

“Now to your question,” I said. “I suppose you were married by the vicar.”

“Yes,” she responded, “just three months ago.”

“Did you realize that when the vicar pronounced your marriage he also decreed your separation?”

“What do you mean?” she quickly retorted.

“You believe that life is eternal, don’t you?”

“Of course,” she replied.

I continued, “Can you conceive of eternal life without eternal love? Can either of you envision eternal happiness without the companionship of one another?”

“Of course not,” came the ready response.

“But what did the vicar say when he pronounced your marriage? If I remember the language correctly, he said, among other things, ‘in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, till death do ye part.’ He went as far as he felt his authority would permit him and that was till death separates you. In fact, I think that if you were to question him, he would emphatically deny the existence of marriage and family beyond the grave.

“But,” I continued, “the Father of us all, who loves His children and wants the best for them, has provided for a continuation, under proper circumstances, of this most sacred and ennobling of all human relationships, the relationships of marriage and family.

“In that great and moving conversation between the Savior and His Apostles, Peter declared, ‘Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God,’ and the Lord responded, ‘Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.’ The Lord then went on to say to Peter and his associates, ‘And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven’ (see Matt. 16:13–19).

“In that marvelous bestowal of authority, the Lord gave to His Apostles the keys of the holy priesthood, whose power reaches beyond life and death into eternity. This same authority has been restored to the earth by those same Apostles who held it anciently, even Peter, James, and John.” I continued by saying that following the dedication of the temple on the following Sunday, those same keys of the holy priesthood would be exercised in behalf of the men and women who come into this sacred house to solemnize their marriage. They will be joined in a union which death cannot dissolve and time cannot destroy.

Such was my testimony to this young couple in England. Such it is to you today and such it is to all the world. Our Father in Heaven, who loves His children, desires for them that which will bring them happiness now and in the eternities to come, and there is no greater happiness than is found in the most meaningful of all human relationships—the companionships of husband and wife, parents and children.

“Is Love like a Rose?”

A number of years ago I was called to the hospital bedside of a mother in the terminal stages of a serious illness. She passed away a short time later, leaving her husband and four children, including a little boy of six. There was sorrow, deep and poignant and tragic. But shining through their tears was a faith beautiful and certain that as surely as there was now a sorrowful separation, there would someday be a glad reunion, for that marriage had begun with a sealing for time and eternity in the house of the Lord, under the authority of the holy priesthood.

Every man who truly loves a woman and every woman who truly loves a man hopes and dreams that their companionship will last forever. But marriage is a covenant sealed by authority. If that authority is of the state alone, it will endure only while the state has jurisdiction, and that jurisdiction ends with death. But add to the authority of the state the power of the endowment given by Him who overcame death, and that companionship will endure beyond life if the parties to the marriage live worthy of the promise.

When I was much younger and less brittle, we danced to a song whose words went something like this:

Is love like a rose

That blossoms and grows,

Then withers and goes

When summer is gone?

It was only a dance ballad, but it was a question that has been asked through the centuries by men and women who loved one another and looked beyond today into the future of eternity.

To that question we answer no and reaffirm that love and marriage under the revealed plan of the Lord are not like the rose that withers with the passing of summer. Rather, they are eternal, as surely as the God of heaven is eternal.

But this gift, precious beyond all others, comes only with a price—with self-discipline, with virtue, with obedience to the commandments of God. These may be difficult, but they are possible under the motivation that comes of an understanding of truth.

“Testimonies from Their Lips”

President Brigham Young (1801–77) once declared: “There is not a young man in our community who would not be willing to travel from here to England to be married right, if he understood things as they are; there is not a young woman in our community, who loves the Gospel and wishes its blessings, that would be married in any other way.” ¹

Many have traveled that far and even farther to receive the blessings of temple marriage. I have seen a group of Latter-day Saints from Japan who—before the construction of a temple in their homeland—had denied themselves food to make possible the long journey to the Laie Hawaii Temple. Before we had a temple in Johannesburg, we met those who had gone without necessities to afford the 7,000-mile (11,000-km) flight from South Africa to the temple in Surrey, England. There was a light in their eyes and smiles on their faces and testimonies from their lips that it was worth infinitely more than all it had cost.

And I remember hearing in New Zealand many years ago the testimony of a man from the far side of Australia who, having been previously sealed by civil authority and then joined the Church with his wife and children, had traveled all the way across that wide continent, then across the Tasman Sea to Auckland, and down to the temple in the beautiful valley of the Waikato. As I remember his words, he said, “We could not afford to come. Our worldly possessions consisted of an old car, our furniture, and our dishes. I said to my family, ‘We cannot afford to go.’ Then I looked into the faces of my beautiful wife and our beautiful children, and I said, ‘We cannot afford not to go. If the Lord will give me strength, I can work and earn enough for another car and furniture and dishes, but if I should lose these my loved ones, I would be poor indeed in both life and in eternity.’”

Marry Right and Live Right

How shortsighted so many of us are, how prone to look only at today without thought for the morrow. But the morrow will surely come, as will also come death and separation. How sweet is the assurance, how comforting is the peace that come from the knowledge that if we marry right and live right, our relationship will continue, notwithstanding the certainty of death and the passage of time. Men may write love songs and sing them. They may yearn and hope and dream. But all of this will be only a romantic longing unless there is an exercise of authority that transcends the powers of time and death.

Speaking many years ago, President Joseph F. Smith (1838–1918) said: “The house of the Lord is a house of order and not a house of confusion; and that means … that there is no union for time and eternity that can be perfected outside of the law of God, and the order of his house. Men may desire it, they may go through the form of it, in this life, but it will be of no effect except it be done and sanctioned by divine authority, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost.” ²

In conclusion may I leave you a story. It is fiction, but in principle it is true. Can you imagine two young people at a time when the moon is full and the roses are in bloom and a sacred love has matured between them? Johnny says to Mary, “Mary, I love you. I want you for my wife and the mother of our children. But I don’t want you or them forever. Just for a season and then good-bye.” And she, looking at him through tears in the moonlight, says, “Johnny, you’re wonderful. There’s nobody else in all the world like you. I love you, and I want you for my husband and the father of our children, but only for a time and then farewell.”

That sounds foolish, doesn’t it? And yet isn’t that in effect what a man says to a woman and a woman says to a man in a proposal of marriage when given the opportunity of eternal union under “the new and everlasting covenant” (D&C 132:19), but, rather, they choose to set it aside for a substitute that can last only until death comes?

Life Eternal

Life is eternal. The God of heaven has also made possible eternal love and eternal family relationships.

God bless you, that as you look forward to or contemplate your marriage, you may look not only for rewarding companionship and rich and fruitful family relationships through all of your mortal days, but to an even better estate where love and treasured associations may be felt and known under a promise given of God.

I bear witness of the living reality of the Lord Jesus Christ, through whom this authority has come. I bear witness that His power, His priesthood, is among us and is exercised in His holy houses. Do not spurn that which He has offered. Live worthy of it and partake of it, and let the sanctifying power of His holy priesthood seal your companionship.

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Beware of Pride

Beware of Pride

EZRA TAFT BENSON

President of the Church

My beloved brethren and sisters, I rejoice to be with you in another glorious general conference of the Church. How grateful I am for the love, prayers, and service of the devoted members of the Church throughout the world.

May I commend you faithful Saints who are striving to flood the earth and your lives with the Book of Mormon. Not only must we move forward in a monumental manner more copies of the Book of Mormon, but we must move boldly forward into our own lives and throughout the earth more of its marvelous messages.

This sacred volume was written for us—for our day. Its scriptures are to be likened unto ourselves. (See 1 Ne. 19:23.)

The Doctrine and Covenants tells us that the Book of Mormon is the “record of a fallen people.” (D&C 20:9.) Why did they fall? This is one of the major messages of the Book of Mormon. Mormon gives the answer in the closing chapters of the book in these words: “Behold, the pride of this nation, or the people of the Nephites, hath proven their destruction.” (Moro. 8:27.) And then, lest we miss that momentous Book of Mormon message from that fallen people, the Lord warns us in the Doctrine and Covenants, “Beware of pride, lest ye become as the Nephites of old.” (D&C 38:39.)

I earnestly seek an interest in your faith and prayers as I strive to bring forth light on this Book of Mormon message—the sin of pride. This message has been weighing heavily on my soul for some time. I know the Lord wants this message delivered now.

In the premortal council, it was pride that felled Lucifer, “a son of the morning.” (2 Ne. 24:12–15; see also D&C 76:25–27; Moses 4:3.) At the end of this world, when God cleanses the earth by fire, the proud will be burned as stubble and the meek shall inherit the earth. (See 3 Ne. 12:5, 3 Ne. 25:1; D&C 29:9; JS—H 1:37; Mal. 4:1.)

Three times in the Doctrine and Covenants the Lord uses the phrase “beware of pride,” including a warning to the second elder of the Church, Oliver Cowdery, and to Emma Smith, the wife of the Prophet. (D&C 23:1; see also D&C 25:14; D&C 38:39.)

Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance. (See Mosiah 3:11; 3 Ne. 6:18.) In the scriptures there is no such thing as righteous pride—it is always considered a sin. Therefore, no matter how the world uses the term, we must understand how God uses the term so we can understand the language of holy writ and profit thereby. (See 2 Ne. 4:15; Mosiah 1:3–7; Alma 5:61.)

Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled. (See Alma 38:12; 3 Ne. 12:30.)

The proud cannot accept the authority of God giving direction to their lives. (See Hel. 12:6.) They pit their perceptions of truth against God’s great knowledge, their abilities versus God’s priesthood power, their accomplishments against His mighty works.

Our enmity toward God takes on many labels, such as rebellion, hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness, unrepentant, puffed up, easily offended, and sign seekers. The proud wish God would agree with them. They aren’t interested in changing their opinions to agree with God’s.

Another major portion of this very prevalent sin of pride is enmity toward our fellowmen. We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. (See Hel. 6:17; D&C 58:41.)

The proud make every man their adversary by pitting their intellects, opinions, works, wealth, talents, or any other worldly measuring device against others. In the words of C. S. Lewis: “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. … It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition has gone, pride has gone.” (Mere Christianity, New York: Macmillan, 1952, pp. 109–10.)

In the pre-earthly council, Lucifer placed his proposal in competition with the Father’s plan as advocated by Jesus Christ. (See Moses 4:1–3.) He wished to be honored above all others. (See 2 Ne. 24:13.) In short, his prideful desire was to dethrone God. (See D&C 29:36; D&C 76:28.)

The scriptures abound with evidences of the severe consequences of the sin of pride to individuals, groups, cities, and nations. “Pride goeth before destruction.” (Prov. 16:18.) It destroyed the Nephite nation and the city of Sodom. (See Moro. 8:27; Ezek. 16:49–50.)

It was through pride that Christ was crucified. The Pharisees were wroth because Jesus claimed to be the Son of God, which was a threat to their position, and so they plotted His death. (See John 11:53.)

Saul became an enemy to David through pride. He was jealous because the crowds of Israelite women were singing that “Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” (1 Sam. 18:6–8.)

The proud stand more in fear of men’s judgment than of God’s judgment. (See D&C 3:6–7; D&C 30:1–2; D&C 60:2.) “What will men think of me?” weighs heavier than “What will God think of me?”

King Noah was about to free the prophet Abinadi, but an appeal to his pride by his wicked priests sent Abinadi to the flames. (See Mosiah 17:11–12.) Herod sorrowed at the request of his wife to behead John the Baptist. But his prideful desire to look good to “them which sat with him at meat” caused him to kill John. (Matt. 14:9; see also Mark 6:26.)

Fear of men’s judgment manifests itself in competition for men’s approval. The proud love “the praise of men more than the praise of God.” (John 12:42–43.) Our motives for the things we do are where the sin is manifest. Jesus said He did “always those things” that pleased God. (John 8:29.) Would we not do well to have the pleasing of God as our motive rather than to try to elevate ourselves above our brother and outdo another?

Some prideful people are not so concerned as to whether their wages meet their needs as they are that their wages are more than someone else’s. Their reward is being a cut above the rest. This is the enmity of pride.

When pride has a hold on our hearts, we lose our independence of the world and deliver our freedoms to the bondage of men’s judgment. The world shouts louder than the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. The reasoning of men overrides the revelations of God, and the proud let go of the iron rod. (See 1 Ne. 8:19–28; 1 Ne. 11:25; 1 Ne. 15:23–24.)

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority over us. It can be a parent, a priesthood leader, a teacher, or ultimately God. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.

Pride results in secret combinations which are built up to get power, gain, and glory of the world. (See Hel. 7:5; Ether 8:9, 16, 22–23; Moses 5:31.) This fruit of the sin of pride, namely secret combinations, brought down both the Jaredite and the Nephite civilizations and has been and will yet be the cause of the fall of many nations. (See Ether 8:18–25.)

Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10; see also Prov. 28:25.)

The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. (See 1 Ne. 16:1–3.) They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. (See Prov. 15:10; Amos 5:10.) Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures. (See Matt. 3:9; John 6:30–59.)

The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”

If we love God, do His will, and fear His judgment more than men’s, we will have self-esteem.

Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. (See Alma 12:10–11.) The proud are not easily taught. (See 1 Ne. 15:3, 7–11.) They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.

Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?

Pride fades our feelings of sonship to God and brotherhood to man. It separates and divides us by “ranks,” according to our “riches” and our “chances for learning.” (3 Ne. 6:12.) Unity is impossible for a proud people, and unless we are one we are not the Lord’s. (See Mosiah 18:21; D&C 38:27; D&C 105:2–4; Moses 7:18.)

Think of what pride has cost us in the past and what it is now costing us in our own lives, our families, and the Church.

Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved, and homes strengthened, if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them. (See D&C 58:43.)

Think of the many who are less active members of the Church because they were offended and their pride will not allow them to forgive or fully sup at the Lord’s table.

Think of the tens of thousands of additional young men and couples who could be on missions except for the pride that keeps them from yielding their hearts unto God. (See Alma 10:6; Hel. 3:34–35.)

Think how temple work would increase if the time spent in this godly service were more important than the many prideful pursuits that compete for our time.

Pride affects all of us at various times and in various degrees. Now you can see why the building in Lehi’s dream that represents the pride of the world was large and spacious and great was the multitude that did enter into it. (See 1 Ne. 8:26, 33; 1 Ne. 11:35–36.)

Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.

The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. (See Alma 7:23.) It is the broken heart and contrite spirit. (See 3 Ne. 9:20; 3 Ne. 12:19; D&C 20:37; D&C 59:8; Ps. 34:18; Isa. 57:15; Isa. 66:2.) As Rudyard Kipling put it so well:

The tumult and the shouting dies;
The captains and the kings depart.
Still stands thine ancient sacrifice,
An humble and a contrite heart.
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget, lest we forget.
God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16.)

Let us choose to be humble.

We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3; D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84; D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by getting to the temple more frequently.

We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God. (See D&C 58:43; Mosiah 27:25–26; Alma 5:7–14, 49.)

We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; 3 Ne. 13:33; Moro. 10:32.)

Let us choose to be humble. We can do it. I know we can.

My dear brethren and sisters, we must prepare to redeem Zion. It was essentially the sin of pride that kept us from establishing Zion in the days of the Prophet Joseph Smith. It was the same sin of pride that brought consecration to an end among the Nephites. (See 4 Ne. 1:24–25.)

Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion. I repeat: Pride is the great stumbling block to Zion.

We must cleanse the inner vessel by conquering pride. (See Alma 6:2–4; Matt. 23:25–26.)

We must yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,” and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.” (Mosiah 3:19; see also Alma 13:28.)

That we may do so and go on to fulfill our divine destiny is my fervent prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Perfection Pending

 

Russell M. Nelson Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

 

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If I were to ask which of the Lord’s commandments is most difficult to keep, many of us might cite Matt. 5:48: “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.”
¹


 

Keepingthis commandment can be a concern because each of us is far fromperfect, both spiritually and temporally. Reminders come repeatedly. Wemay lock keys inside the car, or even forget where the car is parked.And not infrequently we walk intently from one part of the house toanother, only to forget the reason for the errand.

 

Whencomparing one’s personal performance with the supreme standard of theLord’s expectation, the reality of imperfection can at times bedepressing. My heart goes out to conscientious Saints who, because oftheir shortcomings, allow feelings of depression to rob them ofhappiness in life.

 

We all need to remember: men are that they might have joy—not guilt trips! ² We also need to remember that the Lord gives no commandments that areimpossible to obey. But sometimes we fail to comprehend them fully.

 

Ourunderstanding of perfection might be aided if we classify it into twocategories. The first could pertain uniquely to this life—mortal perfection. The second category could pertain uniquely to the next life—immortal or eternal perfection.

 

Mortal Perfection

Inthis life, certain actions can be perfected. A baseball pitcher canthrow a no-hit, no-run ball game. A surgeon can perform an operationwithout an error. A musician can render a selection without a mistake.One can likewise achieve perfection in being punctual, paying tithing,keeping the Word of Wisdom, and so on. The enormous effort required toattain such self-mastery is rewarded with a deep sense of satisfaction.More importantly, spiritual attainments in mortality accompany us intoeternity. ³

 

Jamesgave a practical standard by which mortal perfection could be measured.He said, “If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man.” ⁴

 

Scriptures have described Noah, Seth, and Job as perfect men. ⁵ No doubt the same term might apply to a large number of faithfuldisciples in various dispensations. Alma said that “there were many,exceedingly great many,” ⁶ who were pure before the Lord.

 

Thisdoes not mean that these people never made mistakes or never had needof correction. The process of perfection includes challenges toovercome and steps to repentance that may be very painful. ⁷ There is a proper place for chastisement in the molding of character, for we know that “whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” ⁸

 

Mortalperfection can be achieved as we try to perform every duty, keep everylaw, and strive to be as perfect in our sphere as our Heavenly Fatheris in his. If we do the best we can, the Lord will bless us accordingto our deeds and the desires of our hearts. ⁹

 

Eternal Perfection

ButJesus asked for more than mortal perfection. The moment he uttered thewords “even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect,” he raisedour sights beyond the bounds of mortality. Our Heavenly Father haseternal perfection. This very fact merits a much broader perspective.

 

Recently I studied the English and Greek editions of the New Testament, concentrating on each use of the term perfectand its derivatives. Studying both languages together provided someinteresting insights, since Greek was the original language of the NewTestament.

 

In Matt. 5:48, the term perfect was translated from the Greek teleios, which means “complete.” Teleios is an adjective derived from the noun telos, which means “end.” ¹⁰ The infinitive form of the verb is teleiono, which means “to reach a distant end, to be fully developed, to consummate, or to finish.” ¹¹ Please note that the word does not imply “freedom from error”; itimplies “achieving a distant objective.” In fact, when writers of theGreek New Testament wished to describe perfection of behavior—precisionor excellence of human effort—they did not employ a form of teleios; instead, they chose different words. ¹²

 

Teleios is not a total stranger to us. From it comes the prefix tele- that we use every day. Telephone literally means “distant talk.” Television means “to see distantly.” Telephoto means “distant light,” and so on.

 

Withthat background in mind, let us consider another highly significantstatement made by the Lord. Just prior to his crucifixion, he said thaton “the third day I shall be perfected.” ¹³ Think of that! The sinless, errorless Lord—already perfect by ourmortal standards—proclaimed his own state of perfection yet to be inthe future. ¹⁴ His eternal perfection would follow his resurrection and receipt of “all power … in heaven and in earth.” ¹⁵

 

Theperfection that the Savior envisions for us is much more than errorlessperformance. It is the eternal expectation as expressed by the Lord inhis great intercessory prayer to his Father—that we might be madeperfect and be able to dwell with them in the eternities ahead. ¹⁶

 

The Lord’s entire work and glory pertains to the immortality and eternal life of each human being. ¹⁷ He came into the world to do the will of his Father, who sent him. ¹⁸ His sacred responsibility was foreseen before the creation ¹⁹ and was foretold by all his holy prophets since the world began. ²⁰

 

The atonement of Christfulfilled the long-awaited purpose for which he had come to the earth.His concluding words upon Calvary’s cross referred to the culminationof his assignment—to atone for all humankind. Then he said, “It isfinished.” ²¹ Not surprisingly, the Greek word from which finished was derived is teleios.

 

That Jesus attained eternal perfection followinghis resurrection is confirmed in the Book of Mormon. It records thevisit of the resurrected Lord to the people of ancient America. Therehe repeated the important injunction previously cited but with one verysignificant addition. He said, “I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.” ²² This time he listed himself along with his Father as a perfected personage. Previously he had not. ²³

 

Resurrection is requisite for eternal perfection. Thanks to the atonement of Jesus Christ,our bodies, corruptible in mortality, will become incorruptible. Ourphysical frames, now subject to disease, death, and decay, will acquireimmortal glory. ²⁴ Presently sustained by the blood of life ²⁵ and ever aging, our bodies will be sustained by spirit and become changeless and beyond the bounds of death. ²⁶

 

Eternalperfection is reserved for those who overcome all things and inheritthe fulness of the Father in his heavenly mansions. Perfection consistsin gaining eternal life—the kind of life that God lives. ²⁷

 

Ordinances and Covenants of the Temple

Scripturesidentify other important prerequisites to eternal perfection. Theyrelate to the ordinances and covenants of the temple. ²⁸ No accountable individual can receive exaltation in the celestialkingdom without the ordinances of the temple. Endowments and sealingsare for our personal perfection and are secured through ourfaithfulness. ²⁹

 

This requirement also pertains to our ancestors. Paul taught “that they without us should not be made perfect.” ³⁰ Again, in that verse, the Greek term from which perfect was translated was a form of teleios. ³¹

 

Inlatter-day revelation, the Lord was even more explicit. His prophetwrote: “My dearly beloved brethren and sisters, let me assure you thatthese are principles in relation to the dead and the living that cannotbe lightly passed over, as pertaining to our salvation. For theirsalvation is necessary and essential to our salvation. … They withoutus cannot be made perfect—neither can we without our dead be madeperfect.” ³²

 

Encouragement from the Savior’s Example

Ourclimb up the path to perfection is aided by encouragement from thescriptures. They hold the promise that we shall, if faithful in allthings, become like Deity. John the beloved Apostle wrote:

 

“We should be called the sons [and daughters] of God. …

 

“… When he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.

 

“And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure.” ³³

 

Continuing encouragement comes as we follow the example of Jesus, who taught, “Be ye holy; for I am holy.” ³⁴ His hope for us is crystal clear! He declared: “What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” ³⁵ Thus, our adoration of Jesus is best expressed by our emulation of Jesus. ³⁶

 

Peoplehave never failed to follow Jesus because his standards were impreciseor insufficiently high. Quite to the contrary. Some have disregardedhis teachings because they were viewed as being too precise orimpractically high! Yet such lofty standards, when earnestly pursued,produce great inner peace and incomparable joy.

 

Thereis no other individual to compare with Jesus Christ, nor is there anyother exhortation equal to his sublime expression of hope: “I wouldthat ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven isperfect.” ³⁷

 

Thisdivine entreaty is consistent with the fact that, as begotten childrenof heavenly parents, we are endowed with the potential to become likethem, just as mortal children may become like their mortal parents.

 

TheLord restored his church to help us prepare for perfection. Paul saidthat the Savior placed in the Church Apostles, prophets, and teachers,“for the perfecting of the saints, … for the edifying of the body ofChrist:

 

“Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.” ³⁸

 

The perfect man described in Paul’s quotation is the completed person—teleios—the glorified soul!

 

Moronitaught how to gain this glorious objective. His instruction stands inany age as an antidote for depression and a prescription for joy. Iecho his plea: “Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and denyyourselves of all ungodliness; … love God with all your might, mind andstrength … [Then] ye may be perfect in Christ, … holy, [and] withoutspot.” ³⁹

 

Meanwhile,brothers and sisters, let us do the best we can and try to improve eachday. When our imperfections appear, we can keep trying to correct them.We can be more forgiving of flaws in ourselves and among those we love.We can be comforted and forbearing. The Lord taught, “Ye are not ableto abide the presence of God now … ; wherefore, continue in patienceuntil ye are perfected.” ⁴⁰

 

Weneed not be dismayed if our earnest efforts toward perfection now seemso arduous and endless. Perfection is pending. It can come in full onlyafter the Resurrection and only through the Lord. It awaits all wholove him and keep his commandments. It includes thrones, kingdoms,principalities, powers, and dominions. ⁴¹ It is the end for which we are to endure. ⁴² It is the eternal perfection that God has in store for each of us. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

 

 

What Does It Mean to Be Perfect?

By Elder Cecil O. Samuelson
Of the Seventy

From a devotional given on March 19, 2002, at the Provo Missionary Training Center.

Cecil O. Samuelson, “What Does It Mean to Be Perfect?” New Era, Jan. 2006, 10
For over 20 years I was a professor and practitioner of medicine, and I have a concern that I know is shared by other General Authorities. A matter of great concern for some of you is the issue that mental health professionals describe as “perfectionism.” Interestingly, often those who struggle the most with issues of perfectionism are among the most talented people. They have often been excellent students, model children, and outstanding young people. Some, however, become so obsessed or consumed with their every thought, action, and response, that they may become far too extreme in their own perceptions of what is expected of them.

Continue in Patience

There is an understandable goal to follow the Savior’s direction to “be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48). While this goal is admirable and appropriate, it is unfortunate that some consider that this perfection must occur immediately. A careful study of the footnote in our scriptures to this verse teaches us that the notion of being perfect means that we are “complete, finished, fully developed.” Thus, while we should be engaged in the process of perfection, we need to acknowledge that achieving this goal will likely take a long time for all of us. The Lord said, “Ye are not able to abide the presence of God now, neither the ministering of angels; wherefore, continue in patience until ye are perfected” (D&C 67:13). This is good advice for all of us.

There clearly are some things in which you can be perfect. The payment of tithing and the behavioral aspects of the law of chastity are examples. There are other things, however, that most of us will need to work on throughout our entire lives and yet not reach the perfection that is eventually promised until the eternities if we are true and faithful. Matters such as having absolute faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, a complete understanding of the scriptures, always controlling our thoughts and our tongues are all issues that require persistence and patience.

Worthiness and Perfection

Occasionally, for well-motivated and highly devoted Latter-day Saints, confusion occurs about the differences between worthiness and perfection. Worthiness and perfection don’t mean the same thing! All of us are “works in process.” We can be worthy while still needing improvement.

Be sure that you do not have higher standards for yourself or others than the Lord has established. Find satisfaction in your progress while acknowledging that perfection may still be distant.

Our perceptions of ourselves may or may not be accurate, but more frequently than we may expect, they may differ from how others view us. Those suffering from perfectionism tend to be wonderful, contributing, and effective people, and yet may feel that no matter what they do, it is never enough. These good people suffer from exaggerating their minor mistakes, weaknesses, or shortcomings to the point that they may become dysfunctional.

Please note that I am not against modesty or humility. These are important and even cardinal virtues. Jesus taught us that we should be meek but not masochistic. When we become obsessed with our deficiencies or weaknesses and so focused upon them that we—of necessity—neglect everything else, then we are out of balance. The Lord shares an important insight: “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).

This is the Lord’s formula and promise for dealing with our weaknesses. We need to recognize them, but we do not glory in them or magnify them. For some of them, we do need to get appropriate help early.

Each of us needs to be absolutely honest with him or herself. Most of us do not always see ourselves as others see us or even as the Lord may see us. That is one of the reasons that we are provided with devoted and capable Church leaders to counsel with us, teach us, and support us. We must be absolutely honest with them in all the matters of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

Wisdom and Order

Too many of us tend to glory in or dwell on our weaknesses, temptations, and shortcomings. We must recognize them, get help when that is appropriate, but move on as soon as possible and not be preoccupied with them. But when serious problems or challenges are facing us, neglecting them or repressing them almost always makes them worse rather than causing them to go away.

Let me assure you that you are literal sons and daughters of our loving Heavenly Father, who knows you and cares about you. This you must not only know but must never forget. If you always do your best with realistic expectations and understanding of both your strengths and weaknesses, you will be able to be an important part of this great work.

In King Benjamin’s wonderful address, the people under his stewardship were corrected, instructed, and inspired. He taught them of the Savior’s Atonement and also the capacity that they could have to put off the “natural man” and become saints (see Mosiah 3:19). He taught them of their tremendous responsibilities and helped them understand how they might retain a remission of their sins through faithfully keeping the covenants they had made and the commandments they had received. After all of this, remember these words of this wise prophet-king: “And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength” (Mosiah 4:27). All that we do must be done in “wisdom and order.”

May the Lord bless us all to understand clearly our potential and place. May we have the courage to stand tall in the face of our challenges, the wisdom to get help when we need it, and the faith to know that the Lord will bless His servants who are doing their best.

More Quotes from the Brethren:

“We all need to remember: men are that they might have joy—not guilt trips!”
—Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Perfection Pending,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 86.

“Worthiness is a process, and perfection is an eternal trek. We can be worthy to enjoy certain privileges without being perfect.”
—Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–1994), “On Being Worthy,” Ensign, May 1989, 20.

“The Church is ‘for the perfecting of the saints’ (Eph. 4:12); it is not a well-provisioned rest home for the already perfected.”
—Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926–2004), “A Brother Offended,” Ensign, May 1982, 38.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a medical condition characterized by severe self-criticism and self-doubt, often accompanied by anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive behavior. It can lead to appetite and sleep disturbances, confusion, problems in relationships, inability to concentrate, procrastination of important tasks, and, if left untreated, major depression, anxiety disorders, and suicide.

What’s the Difference?

Doing Your Best	Perfectionism
You desire to give things your best efforts and are satisfied when you do.	You have a list of “shoulds” and “have to’s” and are dissatisfied even if you complete them.
You know it’s okay if you make a mistake. You move on and see your mistake as an opportunity for growth or learning.	Mistakes bring feelings of self-hatred. You don’t want to do anything because you are afraid of failure.
You want to do your personal best, and you try not to compare your achievements to those of others. You don’t need to be the best at all things.	You feel tremendous pressure to earn others’ approval. You must be the best or “perfect” in your tasks.
You can find joy in doing the things you love, and you can get things accomplished.	Your need to do things perfectly leads to procrastination until you have time to do it “perfectly,” and you feel driven by fear or duty instead of love.
Trying to do your best and perfecting yourself “line upon line” with the Savior’s help is Christ-centered because you need the Atonement.	Perfectionism is self-centered. You measure yourself against your own standards and against others’ standards, not God’s.

A Conversation on Spouse Abuse

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Church leaders have consistently spoken out against spouse abuse. For example, in an October 1998 general conference address President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“We condemn most strongly abusive behavior in any form. We denounce the physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse of one’s spouse or children. …

“No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to hold the priesthood of God. No man who abuses his wife or children is worthy to be a member in good standing in this Church. The abuse of one’s spouse and children is a most serious offense before God, and any who indulge in it may expect to be disciplined by the Church” (“What Are People Asking about Us?” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 72).

The proclamation on the family also contains a forceful condemnation of abuse: “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

Ensign staff members recently spoke with several Latter-day Saint professionals about this issue. John C. Nelson, M.D., an obstetrician-gynecologist, is on the board of the American Medical Association and is the spokesperson for the AMA Alliance SAVE (Stop America’s Violence Everywhere) program. He is a member of Salt Lake City’s Monument Park Second Ward, Monument Park North Stake. Anne L. Horton is an associate professor of social work at Brigham Young University and is a licensed clinical social worker whose practice focuses on domestic abuse. She is a member of the Ensign Third Ward, Salt Lake Ensign Stake. Brent H. Bartholomew is an attorney experienced in representing abused spouses and children. He is a member of the Lakeridge 12th Ward, Orem Utah Lakeridge North Stake.

Defining Spouse Abuse

Ensign: Some think spouse abuse includes only acts of a physical nature. Thus, how should the term be defined?

Anne Horton: Many experts define spouse abuse as the maltreatment of another in an attempt to control him or her. Spouse abuse may be physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual. This type of abuse behavior between parents sets the tone for the rest of the family. It has severe ramifications on children as well as spouses because it traumatizes the children and may lead them to imitate that behavior later on.

John Nelson: Spouse abuse involves inappropriate acts of one spouse over the other. It may involve coercive acts in which an abuser forces a person to do something that he or she normally would not do, with no particular concern for the victim. Abuse may also include the use of threats, name calling, yelling, and intimidation.

I believe that there are people, women particularly, who are abuse victims but wouldn’t describe themselves as such. They can’t go out of their homes, they have to be back at nine o’clock, they can’t go to lunch on Tuesday because they didn’t get permission from their husbands, and so on. It may not necessarily involve being beaten up, but it is still abuse and is outside the bounds the Lord has set for marriage.

Brent Bartholomew: Spouse abuse is behavior that is destructive to the body, mind, or spirit. In fact, long after any possible physical injuries heal, the emotional scars of abuse may still persist.

Ensign: What are some signs of spouse abuse that are not as obvious as bruises or other physical marks?

Anne Horton: There are usually many signs of abuse rather than a single isolated sign. One may be when an individual shows fear at times when this would not be expected. For instance, a person may be afraid to speak without the spouse’s permission. Abuse victims may be isolated a lot; they may not be allowed to take part in community activities, and the people they see and how their time is spent may be closely monitored by the spouse. Those are some indicators we worry about. However, we do not want people to see abuse where none exists.

Brent Bartholomew: It’s important that we don’t encourage witch hunts against others in any way because abuse is not a part of the vast majority of marriage relationships. But when abuse does occur, the problem needs to be addressed constructively.

John Nelson: One possible sign of spouse abuse is an abrupt change in behavior. For example, a person who is typically outgoing and happy suddenly becomes withdrawn. The combination of warning signs sometimes clarifies the picture.

Ensign: What are some reasons abuse occurs?

Brent Bartholomew: Abuse may be part of a learned behavior pattern. In some cases there may be a biochemical imbalance or medical problem that contributes to a person’s abusive behavior. In other cases the abuser may be involved with drugs or alcohol. There is no single reason why abuse occurs; many factors can contribute to abusive behavior, and abusers can come from a wide variety of backgrounds.

John Nelson: Ultimately the abuser is responsible for his or her behavior. It is not the alcohol, for example, that makes people abusive. They are abusive first, and the alcohol may be a facilitator.

In some cases abusers misunderstand or misapply the concept of leadership in the home. I want to make it very clear that it’s not the concept of a presiding leader in the home that is wrong; it’s the misapplication of it. The 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants speaks of that specifically: “The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, … but when we … exercise control or dominion or compulsion … in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves” (D&C 121:36–37).

Changing Abusive Behavior

Ensign: How likely is it that abusers will change?

Brent Bartholomew: If they genuinely want to change and if they seek appropriate help and put forth the required effort, they can be successful. No one should say, “Well, this is just the way I am.” It may take action by a Church disciplinary council because disciplinary councils are set up to help people repent and change. Through sincere, sustained effort on their part and by the Savior’s atoning power, they can receive a mighty change of heart, repent, and be forgiven.

Anne Horton: Change is possible, but it isn’t easy, and it doesn’t take place over just a few counseling sessions or progressive steps. It takes time and commitment. Abusers need to know their behavior is a choice. Every time they hit someone, every time they slam a door in someone’s face, they’ve made a choice to do that and they need to take responsibility for their actions.

Of the many resources we have for dealing with the problem of abuse, the greatest resources are gospel teachings and our Church leaders, with their commitment to help us strengthen our families.

How Church Leaders Can Help

Ensign: What kind of help can abuse victims receive from Church leaders?

John Nelson: If things are going on that ought not to be, members have the right to go to their local ecclesiastical leaders for help. Bishops or branch presidents, who are encouraged to conduct a private interview with the injured spouse, have the right to receive revelation regarding the abusive situation. There are times when bishops may not know how to deal with the problem. In those cases bishops most likely would seek professional guidance, possibly from LDS Family Services. Instructions on dealing with abuse are found in The Church Handbook of Instructions, which is available to local leaders. There are many avenues. It is not incumbent upon bishops to be trained counselors to provide help.

Brent Bartholomew: I think most bishops realize their own limitations. They can give spiritual guidance and spiritual help, but additional assistance may be required. In some severe cases victims may need to be temporarily outside of the home, so they may need short-term housing and assistance in that respect. They may need counseling that is more intensive and more frequent than the bishop can provide. In severe cases where physical abuse is involved, they may need legal help to get a protective order. A bishop can let them know where to go for the type of help they need. People who are being victimized by abuse should not wait until the problem becomes dangerous before seeking assistance.

John Nelson: We need to understand that the Lord has called the bishop to be the steward over the members of his ward. I know the Lord can bless those leaders with the inspiration they need.

Anne Horton: The Church produces spiritually directed resources that bishops can share with people who may need them, for example, Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse (pamphlet, 1997). The bishop can put individuals in contact with therapists who have been identified as being responsible and trustworthy. If these individuals cannot afford to pay the entire cost of counseling, the bishop can help arrange for financial assistance.

John Nelson: If people are not comfortable going to their bishops at first, they may consider talking to their physician or some other health professional they know.

Becoming Informed

Ensign: Initially some victims may want to obtain information anonymously. Where can they go for this information?

Anne Horton: In addition to the Church pamphlet Preventing and Responding to Spouse Abuse, much useful information is available in bookstores and libraries, though people should be selective in choosing materials that are in harmony with Church policies and practices. Many towns have crisis centers for women and children where victims can call or walk in and speak with counselors who may provide them with literature or other resources. Victims don’t have to sign their names or be photographed; confidentiality is closely observed. Other resources are the local police department and the department of human services, both of which should be listed in the local telephone book. They can provide helpful telephone numbers to call. And usually the front section of the phone book will list community services that are offered. One may want to approach LDS Family Services for information and direction in areas where this is available, although this is generally done with a bishop’s referral.

Information is usually more readily accessible than most people think.

Ensign: When someone believes that a family member or friend is in an abusive situation, how can they appropriately help that person?

John Nelson: One of the most important things a person can do to help an abuse victim is to listen. When we offer counsel for problems we do not fully understand, we may only exacerbate the problem. But when we listen, the very fact that someone is acknowledging that what is going on is wrong may be the first step in the victim’s realizing that the abuse must be stopped. We need to listen carefully, we need to listen nonjudgmentally.

Brent Bartholomew: If you have strong evidence that someone you know is experiencing spouse abuse, you might say to the person, “It sounds like there might be a problem; may I help?” That’s a direct approach. You might offer to take your friend to see the bishop. It might not be so intimidating for your friend to talk with him about the problem if there is somebody supportive to help. If it’s someone you don’t know well, or if you feel it may be dangerous for you to get involved, you can say to your ecclesiastical leader, “Next door here’s what I’ve observed; they seem to need some help.” Staying silent only makes the problem worse. However, it is absolutely crucial that it be done in a confidential manner.

The Seriousness of Abuse

Ensign: Leaving the home may seem like a drastic step for someone deeply committed to a marriage. What would make this action necessary?

Anne Horton: Safety issues—especially when physical or sexual abuse is occurring—always come first in a crisis. After people are safe, other relationship issues can be addressed.

Brent Bartholomew: The marriage may still be workable, but sometimes there needs to be a separation so that the abuse can stop and the healing process can start. During this time, a couple may seek counseling to learn how to deal with problems effectively without resorting to abuse. But both parties must be committed to the change; otherwise, change is almost impossible.

In severe cases, counseling for both spouses may not be effective and may even increase the risk of further abuse. In such cases the most effective treatment may be court-ordered domestic violence counseling for the perpetrator.

John Nelson: The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Washington, D.C., recommends specifically what they call an exit or a safety plan for people in physical danger. The safety plan is, if you cannot prevent being physically attacked, have in mind a place to go that is available day or night, rain or shine. You need to think about the details. You’ve got to have money, car keys, identification, prescription medication, clothing for the children, soap, a person who can receive you day or night or a key to get in, and a way to get there. A crisis shelter may be your best option because most have police protection. That’s a last resort, but that’s the kind of information that might make it possible to diffuse the situation, at least for the short term.

Ensign: Is false reporting of abuse a valid issue?

Brent Bartholomew: False reporting may occur on occasion, but a report of abuse should always be taken seriously.

Anne Horton: Even if abuse hasn’t occurred, a problem of some kind exists when someone would make that accusation, and the problem needs to be addressed.

John Nelson: If people say they’re being abused, believe them.

Healing through the Gospel

Ensign: How can the gospel help those dealing with abuse?

Brent Bartholomew: The Savior’s Atonement encompasses all suffering, not only suffering for our sins but also suffering as a consequence of others’ sins. The pain of those who have been abused can be eliminated through the sanctifying power of the Atonement and the pure and perfect love of Christ. Sometimes this healing process occurs more slowly when a woman has difficulty developing a relationship with our Heavenly Father due to the inappropriate manner in which she has been treated by male figures in her life. But through divine help, she can eventually be healed from the consequences of her spouse’s sins of abuse.

Now, I’ve used the term woman here because abused women are most at risk for serious injury or death. But men can also be abused by their wives. Such abuse is serious and can have lasting, damaging consequences.

Ensign: How can marriage partners exercise the forgiveness the gospel requires and yet avoid falling into the repeating cycle of abuse?

Anne Horton: Just as repentance is a process, so is forgiveness. Unfortunately many people think that forgiving equals forgetting and, therefore, are afraid forgiveness makes them vulnerable. But while the Lord commands us to forgive, He doesn’t tell us to forget any lessons we have learned or demand that we trust an abuser. We can forgive someone without putting ourselves in the position to be victimized again. Love can be achieved and so can forgiveness, but we still must protect ourselves.

Brent Bartholomew: It is very important to learn to forgive, but an abused spouse shouldn’t feel she has to return to a relationship with someone who is unwilling to repent of destructive behavior. When victims who have removed themselves from abusive situations forgive their abusers, it may not mean much to the abusers themselves. But it can mean a great deal to the people who have been abused. In some cases, the anger they feel is more destructive than the abuse they suffer. People need to overcome that anger and feel the Savior’s atoning sacrifice and power in their lives. It can be a difficult process, but it allows spouses who have experienced abuse in the past to move forward.

John Nelson: We need to make it very clear that victims do not need to ask for forgiveness for something they haven’t done. No one deserves to be a victim of abuse.

Preventing the Problem

Ensign: What can be done to prevent abuse?

Brent Bartholomew: In a general sense, youth as well as adults need to be taught correct principles on which to base their relationships with others, and they need positive role models to emulate. Caring priesthood and auxiliary leaders can help in this process.

If a couple is worthily married in the temple after becoming best friends over time, that greatly increases their chances for a marriage that is free from abuse.

It is important to learn to effectively communicate and problem-solve with your spouse because most abusers do not know how to solve problems. It is never acceptable to hit, belittle, or otherwise try to control a spouse in an attempt to solve a problem.

John Nelson: When two people are dating, they should watch carefully how the potential marriage partner reacts to children, other family members, pets, frustrations, and so forth. These actions often reflect the way a person will treat the spouse or other family members.

Brent Bartholomew: Here is another clue: a potential marriage partner who suggests that standards of personal worthiness be set aside in the name of love should be shunned. Abuse is a selfish act. People who invite someone they profess to love to participate in spiritually destructive behavior are acting out of selfishness, not love. Furthermore, those who currently have problems stemming from substance abuse, sexual immorality, pornography, or rage are much more likely to become abusive because they lack self-control.

John Nelson: I think we all ought to celebrate the good marriages we see. I know that not every aspect of these relationships is perfect, but we can learn a great deal from many around us who have successfully made gospel teachings a foundation for their marriages.